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How to Pick Up Girls in 7 Situations: 32 Dating Coaches Share Tips
If you want to learn how to pick up girls, you’ve just hit the jackpot.
This group interview is chock full of expert advice from 32 of planet earth’s best dating coaches and pickup artists.
You’ll discover how to pick up girls in both the day and night time, with solutions to some of the most challenging situations you can imagine.
We had a lot of fun putting this interview together and would like to thank everyone who got involved! Be sure to visit the experts’ sites to learn how they can help you pick up more girls and get a girlfriend.
Before we jump straight into the 7 situations, I’ll give you my step-by-step method for picking up girls. It’s so simple you can start putting it into action immediately.
But first things first, it’s important we cover the core principles of pickup that form the foundation to all of this.
WARNING: This article is 18,000 words long. If you prefer video learning we recommend this video:
(It’s the best way to master pickup in a short space of time)
The core principles
Meet women in relaxed social locations. Choose places you’d feel comfortable engaging in small talk with strangers. But more to the point, places you think women would feel comfortable being chatted up.
Unless you want to get rudely rejected, start with welcoming environments that allow natural conversation to flow – cafes, bars, clubs, house parties, sports events, and shopping centres are all great locations to find women to talk to.
And don’t limit yourself to the nightime. If you can pick up girls in bars and clubs there’s no reason you can’t get a girls number whilst ordering a flat white on your morning commute to work.
When you find a girl you want to approach, always assess the situation first. If she looks in a hurry or appears to be emotionably unavailable, respect her space.
Just like we all hate to be harassed by street sellers and charity collectors, observational awareness is important. If you interrupt someone in a fluster, don’t be surprised if you get face palmed.
Exude confidence at every step of the pick up. Women are primarily attracted to social power and confidence over everything. If you appear confident in your approach and be direct with your intentions you’ll have no problem picking up girls.
Obviously thats easier said than done! Chatting up girls can be the most nerve racking experiences imaginable. But girls know this. They know it takes balls.
So if you can learn to handle this pressure, and brazenly approach women like it’s no biggy, you are 90% of the way over the finish line. That’s how important confidence is.
And it’s not necessarily what you say, it’s more about your delivery. Confidence is largely perceived non verbally, so it’s important you communicate this through your body language and voice tonality.
Avoid closed off body language. It will only make a girl anxious and wanting to end the conversation. Don’t be like a deer caught in headlights!
Avoid crossing your arms and talking to the floor.
Chatting up women is supposed to be fun! By transferring over your positive emotions she’ll feel relaxed and enjoy the moment too.
To open up your body language – smile, hold a wide stance, and turn your body to face her when talking.
Voice tonality is important too. Try not to rap your words. Slowww everything right dowwwn, speak up to get her attention, and don’t mumble.
Also it really helps to work on your tones. No monotone robotic chat up lines. Practice on your highs and lows and accentuating words like you’re telling a story.
Be your genuine self. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not to impress a girl. Women are perceptive creatures and will smell a ‘fake’ a mile away. Instead be your best self. Radiate the positive qualities you possess because self assurance is sexy.
Being inauthentic always backfires. Telling a girl you’re a dolphin trainer by day and a black-belt Muay Thai fighter by night will inevitably have repercussions. If you end up dating and realising she’s your dream girl, you’re gonna have to fess up…
Don’t fear rejection. As confusing as gender roles appear to be in 2017, one thing with dating remains unchanged – it’s the man’s job to make the first move.
Whether you’re meeting a girl or going in for the kiss, YOU have to be the one pulling the trigger. It’s your duty as a man. You must be bold and prepared to put your neck on the line for women.
And with this you’ve got to expect to be rejected from time to time. It comes with the territory.
But it’s how you handle rejection that will define your success with picking up women. If you can bounce back from your failures, learn from your mistakes and keep practicing, you’ll slowly become desensitized to the fear of rejection and become unstoppable with women.
OK, so those are the five core concepts of whats involved. Now it’s time to give you a step-by-step breakdown of the process for picking up a girl. We’ll start with the approach and end with how you exchanging numbers.
Use a simple opening line to get her attention. There is no need to over complicate things. In the time it takes to think up a clever pickup line, you’ll probably miss the golden opportunity to approach.
If you can’t think of anything to say on the spot, a simple “Hey” or “Hey, hows it going?” is all you need to start the conversation. But if possible, start with a situational opener.
An example of a situational opener (if it’s cold outside) would be saying something like “Where did you get that amazing coat? I need one of those, it’s freezing today”.
Never use pickup lines. They’re borderline sleazy and a girl will instantly know your intentions. The aim of the opener is simply is simply to grab her attention.
And adapt your opening line to the situation. Start with “Excuse me” if you approach a girl in the daytime. Women don’t expect to be chatted up during their daily routines. So it’s polite to start with “excuse me” to avoid alarming them.
Engage in lighthearted conversation. You’ve just met the girl so avoid asking serious questions like, “What do you do for work?”, “How many siblings do you have?” or get deep and discuss the meaning of life. Instead, try and keep the conversation fun.
You’ll be able to tell in a matter of seconds if your personalities click. So there is no need to straight up interogate a girl on her hobbies and interests in the hope of finding a connection.
Similarly to the opening line, keep your initial conversation simple and situational. For example if you’re talking to a girl at the train station, ask where she’s heading today.
Listen for the answer and build the conversation from there. If she replies to your question with “I’m heading to London”, try and think up something interesting or witty to say about London in reply. Rather than just “Oh cool….”.
Show your sense of humour. Enjoy the present and have fun with it. Laughter is the way to a woman’s heart, so if you can banter and joke around she’ll be extremely receptive to the idea of meeting up with you again.
If you ask a girl “Where are you heading?” and she replies with “Brighton” (a seaside town in the UK), you could reply with something like “What to sunbathe? You’ll freeze to death in this cold weather, you crazy girl”.
Another example is to reply to a serious question with a stupid answer. So if a girl asks what you do for work, reply with “I was put on this planet to find you, job done”.
A combination of tongue-and-cheek humour with self-depricating humour is a winning mix.
Be direct and honest about your intentions. Girls will respect you for it. Your honesty will show you have a backbone and are fearless in the face of rejection.
If you don’t tell her you’re sexually interested, she’ll start to wonder why you’re talking to her in the first place. Or worse, she’ll assume you just want to be friends.
Be honest with everything you say. Women want a man who stands up for what he believes in. If you don’t agree with what she says, challenge her.
Give her a genuine, specific compliment. Think of something she wouldn’t normally expect a guy to acknowledge about her. And MEAN it.
So rather than say something generic like “You’re gorgeous” instead say, “You have a really nice smile” or “I like your nose piercing…it suits you…they don’t on most girls”.
Backhanded compliments or ‘negging’ a girl also works well (like the nose piercing example above). It’s a great way to compliment a girl without putting her on a pedestal.
And above all make sure your compliment is non creepy or overtly sexual. Remember you’ve only just met. Telling a girl you think she’d look sexy in a bikini is a little overboard. Same goes for saying you couldn’t help but notice her tits.
Look for signs she likes you. Once you can read the cues of interest women subconsciously put out there, you can start to escalate sexually.
You need the reassurance a girl likes you before lunging in for the kiss. But never seek this reassurance verbally. It’s not cool to ask a girl “Is it OK if I kiss you?” You will break the spell of seduction.
Instead, learn to be observationally aware of the situation, pick up on the cues and know the right time to smoothly go in for the kiss.
Here are the common indicators of interest to look out for. As obvious as some may seem, it’s easy to forget when you’re in the moment:
- She holds eye contact with you from across the room
- She plays with her hair
- She laughs at all your jokes
- She playfully hits you on the shoulder
- She asks you a lot of questions
- She turns to face you and gives her full attention
- She leans in to hear you speak, rather than you leaning into her (in a noisy bar or night club setting)
- She touches one of her sensitive erogenous zones whilst talking – lips, neck, ears
But if a girl’s investment in the conversation is low – she’s not laughing at your jokes or giving you her full attention, then it’s probably best to end the conversation and walk away. Don’t waste your time. Just move on to the next girl
Ask for her number. As a way of ending the conversation on a high note. It’s better to cut the conversation short than drag it out. The aim is to leave her wanting more.
Say “It was great bumping into you, but I have to get going…. Let me get your number… it’d be cool to meet up again sometime”
Never leave the interaction empty handed. The ultimate goal of pick up is to ‘close the deal’ in whatever shape or form that may be.
Whether you exchange phone numbers, go in for the kiss or take a girl home with you, ultimately depends on the situation.
If you meet a girl at 8.50am in Starbucks on your morning commute to work, you’d settle for a quick number exchange. Versus meeting a girl in a nightclub, you’d want to make out and possibly take her home with you.
Whatever the situation, be upfront and honest about your intentions and stick to the seven step method above!
Now that you have an easy to follow step-by-step method, it’s time to breakdown the 7 common situations you’re likely to encounter when picking up girls. On hand are 32 dating coaches to share their top tips!
Whether you’re on the street, the beach or up against 2 sets, large groups, or HB10s in a bar, this post has the answers.
Jump to one of 7 situations or your favourite dating coach using the quick links below. Alternatively, start scrolling!
NOTE: Responses listed in the order they were received in per situation.
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to approach and pick up a girl in the street, what 3 pointers would you give him?
1) 2 minute rule. Most guys worry far too much about “What to say.” The truth is, you don’t need to be a verbal ninja to pick up girls in the daytime. Instead of worrying about what to say, focus on staying in the interaction for two minutes. Talk about the weather, talk about your Xbox. Let go of the pressure of being a witty guy, and instead, focus on staying in the interaction for 2 minutes, even if you consider your conversation topics to be boring. Staying in is the only way to learn verbal game.
2) Watch your seeking rapport tonality. Most newbies have this annoying, upwards vocal inflection. It sounds like a beggar asking for change. “What are you doing today?” Instead, keep either a neutral rapport like you would use while talking to your best friend, or a breaking rapport, downwards inflection that sounds like your boss telling you to work faster. Either is better. Record yourself on your cellphone if you’re not sure what you sound like.
3) Quit making excuses. “She has headphones,” “She’s in a group,” “She’s on the phone,” “She’s in a women’s lingerie store.” When I teach a bootcamp no matter what the perceived difficulty, there is always a way to make it happen. Don’t let these little excuses and justifications stop you from meeting the girl of your dreams.
Tony D is a dating/lifestyle coach and the author of two popular books: A Thousand Tiny Failures – Memoirs of a Pickup Artist and I Hope It’s Sunny Out – a Guide to Meeting Women in the Daytime. Tony believes there is no one “method” to picking up girls, so custom designs his coaching programs to highlight his students’ natural advantages. Follow Tony on Twitter @TonyDAbsolute
1) Sort out the low hanging fruit and go for quick wins first.
Optimise your aesthetic – fashion, hair, grooming, and try to figure out your “style”. Peacock congruently in a way that you are comfortable with, but aim to stand out as much as possible. As a general rule of thumb you can’t go wrong with a really good leather jacket – most guys look great in one. You’ll want to aim for 2 peacocking items per outfit.
If you’re a bit vertically challenged then get boots / shoes with a good Cuban heel – usually max increase of 1.75 inches. Height increasing shoes also can make a big difference but (i) they are usually ugly and (ii) they fu*k up your feet and make you walk like you’ve got a banana stuck up your arse. Not good for swagger!
That takes care of 75% of it but longer term you’re aiming for a good diet, and definitely gym work. Not only does it improve posture but it also makes you look more aesthetic and (in my opinion) gives you that GRRRR masculine aggression which is a good thing.
This is common sense advice but you’d be amazed how many guys I meet who don’t take it.
2) Do not overthink it. I see this a lot. Don’t try and “plan out” the interaction. Have maybe 2 – 3 openers ready – simple ones – and focus your attention on (i) conveying your interest to her in a no nonsense way and (ii) giving her a specific compliment when you talk to her. NOT A ROTE ONE!
When you walk up to talk to her, you’re optimum state is to have a clear mind, not thinking about anything and focussing instead on her body, her ass, just appreciate her feminity, her beauty. Don’t think about it, let it flow through you and something that you love about her look / voice / vibe will pop into your head when you talk to her. Say what pops into your head, without censoring it, tell her what you like about her. Focus on that.
The first 30 seconds are the most difficult. If you can get past that then you are on your way.
Do not worry about what to say – focus on the above. Pauses and silences are actually good if you are comfortable with it and don’t rush to fill them.
Remember if she likes you on some level, she won’t make it difficult – she’ll help you along.
Pro tip : If you’re starting to panic – ask her a basic, low key question like “so what you up to”…Then you can say something like “well do you mind if I walk with you” – and gently start to lead her by a light touch on the arm and begin walking…The social pressure just drops instantly if you’re walking side by side as opposed to standing stock still in the street. You can do this simple little trick even after 30 seconds – 1 minute.
3) Don’t expect perfection, don’t put pressure on yourself. By its nature it can be a little awkward at first. It’s not rocket science though, and she won’t be judging you on your “performance”. I’ve used that word deliberately – because you don’t want to be performing. What you’re aiming for is creating that flow of sexual intrigue / interest between man and a woman. What you say – the content – isn’t really too important. She will forgive moments of awkwardness – infact in some ways a little bit of awkwardness is good because you don’t want to seem like you do it day in day out with 100s of “sets”. It doesn’t work that way.
Be realistic – you won’t get every girl. Things happen that will frustrate you. “Rejection” is normal. But…sometimes the stars align and you can meet a girl and be in bed with her in less than an hour..it blows your mind and makes it all worth it in the end.
Steve Jabba is a natural PUA and master of day game. He teaches men to be direct and put their real personality out there rather than using a mixture of canned routines. Steve’s natural approach to pick up has influenced many of the world’s top PUAs, including Richard La Ruina, who described him as the “best guy I have ever seen gaming”. Check out Steve’s Home Study System where you’ll learn to game like a natural and don’t forget to subscribe to his YouTube channel.
WARNING: This is a LOOOOOONG article. If you prefer video learning we recommend this video:
(You can master pickup in time for your next night out)
We interviewed Ross about picking up girls on the street via Skype. Here’s the transcript:
Pickup Metrics: If for example you were going to take me to the streets of LA right now and we saw some hot girls walking along the street, how would you advise I go and approach them and get their number?
Ross Jeffries: Well, I wouldn’t do any of that, what I would do first is work with you. I would assess you to see what your current skill set is. Each student I work with personally when I do that, I’m not cheap but I guarantee my work, I think I’m the only person who does.
I’d create a state where you’re grounded in your body and you’re outwardly focussing your attention and you’re playful. Rather than having to get a result you’re perfectly fine and playful whether or not you get the results you want. And I’d also show you how to handle any kind of approach anxiety. So first thing I’d do is make sure you’re in the right state.
The second thing I’d do is show you how to make sure we’d do what I call a “Bail Out Anchor”, which means if you’re in the field and you start to collapse again I would show you something to do to get back in the state.
I also want to change your metaphor. The idea of approaching someone. I don’t like that metaphor, because it implies that you’re going up to them somehow and when you say “walk up” it implies something, it eliminates the possibility of walking beside someone or talking to someone who happens to be in a coffee shop. I don’t like the metaphor. It’s a bad metaphor.
I just would prefer to think of it as engaging people in a fun way. So, having said all of that, there are a couple of basic approaches that we can use. Oh and there’s one more thing I want to point out – the idea that you wanna get the phone number. This is a common, a huge mistake and the mistake is that guys are aiming for the behaviours they want with women. They want to get the behaviour of “hey give me your phone number”. Well you can walk up to someone and hold a gun to her head and say “give me your phone number or you’re dead” – You got the phone number but did you get your outcome?
So what you really want to do is not get a phone number. You want to create states of intrigue and fascination and curiosity and leaving her and having her hungry for more. Once you do that the phone number becomes secondary.
You know I’ve had situations where I’ve talked to women who were sitting at the bar at a hotel and they’re in town for just the night and I’m not gonna get their phone number, they wanna go upstairs.
One of the things I teach in Speed Seduction and the things that I think the other morons out there aren’t getting is they’re too focussed on the behaviour. In my experience coming from a background of NLP and Ericsoniun hypnosis, my approach is to say, “wait a minute”, first think about the states of mind and the emotions you want that woman feeling, and how you can create them.
Initially I would help you to create states of curiosity and intrigue and playfulness. In that first five to ten minutes you wanna get her curious, you wanna get her intrigued, you wanna get some playfulness and some comfort and a little bit of sexual tension.
There’s a lot of different ways. There’s so many different ways. Depending on where I’m at. Here in LA we have a lot of these health food stores, you know, they sell organic food and vitamins and all that other stuff, so I’ll walk down the aisle and make some kind of comment based on what’s going on, doesn’t matter. Then I’ll say, “two questions, are you allergic to cats and do you smoke?” They have to say “no and no”. If they say yes, then I’ll say “sorry deal killer”, because those are deal killers. But if they say “no and no” I’ll say “great, because any other answer would be a deal killer. I think you’re kind of cute”. And so right away I’m coming in and just creating a little bit of fun and curiosity. Something like that.
I’ve done things like, make a comment to a woman, comment about anything. And then I’ll say “so are you ready?”, and they say “ready for what?”, and I’ll say “ready for your reward for all those horrible dates that you’ve been going out on”. Then I introduce myself and say I’m so and so etc.
Here’s one that’s worked for me multiple times:
Let’s say you see a woman in a restaurant, or she’s sitting down somewhere. Let’s say for whatever reason you don’t feel particularly comfortable walking right up to her (I’ve done this many times). What I will do is I’ll see her and then I’ll pretend to walk away or I’ll actually walk out the restaurant, then I’ll turn around, come back and say “excuse me, I was leaving, actually I took a couple of steps out the door but when I saw you, you stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to come and talk to you”. That’s so flattering like WOW – I stopped dead in my tracks! Or you can even do it if you’re in passing in the street. You walk over and say “excuse me, I was going that way but when I saw you, you stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to come over”. See?
Pickup Metrics: How would you then quickly escalate the sexual tension?
Ross Jeffries: Let’s be very clear about something. I don’t teach things to progress in a linear way. Let me give you a metaphor here. Imagine we have a ball, like a sphere the size of a soccer ball and it’s empty and transparent. I put a little bit of playfulness and humour and I bounce it over to the girl. She kind of feels it, maybe puts some humour back in and bounces it back to me. Maybe I then put something in to get her curiosity going and bounce it back to her. Maybe she puts in some sincerity and bounces it back to me. Or maybe she puts in some sexual tension. I don’t know.
Sooner or later that ball grows so big, now it’s not something I’m bouncing back and forth between she and I, now it’s grown so big we both have our hands on it at the same time and with just a little bit of will, a little bit of intent, that ball suddenly becomes something that surrounds the two of us. I’m using a metaphor here because I don’t like the idea that first you get comfort, then you get something else. It’s better than having guys flail away but it’s not really accurately mapping the way things work.
The fact in the matter is that humans, particularly women, can have simultaneous emotions going on at the same time. And they can jump back and forth between them. Trying to do things in a linear fashion, which is the way I taught back in the nineties – it’s better than having nothing to do, but it’s not the closest match.
So there’s a lot of ways to build the sexual part, a lot of that is leaning into her space, creating a sexual vibe in my own body that’s very subtle, so no matter what I do it’s conveyed in my voice, it’s conveyed in how long I keep eye contact, it’s conveyed in me putting in some sexual metaphors, like I’ll say “you certainly seem like someone who wants to feel a very large happiness in your life, in fact, someone who finds it easily to find a happiness”.
The important thing before wondering about conveying sexual tension or a sexual vibe is how do you create it in yourself. So it has got the following qualities, because the distinction between a sexual vibe and a horny vibe is this – a sexual vibe is grounded, meaning you feel your feet on the ground.
One of the exercises I would teach you and anyone who wants private coaching through me is to put 20% of their attention on the feeling of their feet on the ground at all times. All times, all times. So it’s grounded in the body.
Second it has a dominant flavour to it. You can have a sexual vibe but it’s passive. So it’s dominant and it’s subtle. Guys who come on like mmmm nice body baby – they’re dominant and they can be grounded but it’s too obvious. It’s grounded, it’s dominant, it’s subtle and finally it’s playful.
A lot of this is inner work. I’ll teach you how to create that. Creating that involves working with your body, working with your breath and working with movement. This is why I’m more and more moving my business to working with people personally because this is not the easiest thing to teach at a seminar. I prefer to work with people personally now.
Let me give you a metaphor: If I took a sheet of copper and a sheet of cardboard and I said to you I want you to send an electric current down both of these, which one is going to conduct the electricity better?
Ross Jeffries: Of course. You know that. So considering your vibe could be a conductive medium, then your communication – anything you actually say or do is the current that you send down it.
So if you’re walking around you could have the best current in the world, you know, great electrons, high quality electrons but if your conductive medium is cardboard it’s not gonna get you too much. You’re still gonna rely on luck. And this is why I emphasises your conductive medium, if you get the metaphor is that inner state – your inner state. And it has got more to do with confidence, I mean confidence is nice but you can’t just be confident. Once definition is you’re just certain. It can be a false certainty. But it’s not embodied. You can say I teach embodied confidence if you want. It’s very, very, very important. I’m not talking about body language, or working out here…
…I want you to think of it like this. If you do a martial art, if you’re a boxer, the first thing they teach you is the footwork. Then they teach you to punch. They teach you balance and footwork. Balance, footwork and awareness. So think of it like a martial art. I’m training that bit first. And you can see the problem with every other teacher is they’re not getting into this level of depth. They’re misdefining confidence as only being certain. By the way, how can you be certain that you’ll do something right when you don’t have a history of doing something right?
Listen. Fake it till you make it is better than not doing anything at all. I’m not saying that what other Pickup Artists are teaching is totally wrong, it’s vastly incomplete. But it’s better than nothing.
If you’re interested in private coaching, what we do first is conduct a free 15 minute Skype interview. I usually take about half the people. (I only work with people when I can guarantee their results). If you’re interested in coaching with me just write ross [at] seduction [dot] com – subject: Private Coaching.
And finally, I’ll be coming to England in either June or July, I’ll be co-teaching a co-seminar with Haley Quinn, who I consider the only person in the world worthy to share a stage with me. Hayley is killing it and she’s only a kid compared to me.
Dubbed the Daddy of seduction, Ross Jeffries has been in the game since 1988. He published his first book, How to Get the Women You Desire Into Bed in 1992, which was originally stapled together on his mother’s kitchen table. He also used to send out a “How to Get Laid” newsletter that he’d print out and mail to people and get mailed back. (There was no internet back then). Ross taught his first seminar in 1992 and became famous for pioneering the use of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) techniques into pickup. He has been in the game for going on 23 years now and when he says he’s taught tens of thousands of people face to face in seminars that’s not marketing – he’s actually done that. He was featured in The Game, the critically acclaimed book by Neil Strauss, and Tom Cruise played a character loosely based on him in the movie Magnolia. He also created Speed Seduction – one of the first and most ground breaking PUA products to ever hit the market. Click here to visit his blog and be sure to subscribe to his popular YouTube Channel.
There is no way I could choose just 3, so I’ve managed to answer with 5.
1) When walking past her, look for eye contact, and/or something that you could open with (something about her, something to comment on, etc.). Regardless of if she notices you or not, or if you notice anything specific or not, soon after she passes you, turn back and approach her from the side (not from behind).
2) Excuse yourself (“Excuse me …”). If you just start talking, you will startle and confuse her, and you will likely be ignored. You need to get her attention. This should stop her. Pay attention to if and how she stops. The ideal is that she both stops, and faces you.
3) Open her. Whatever it is that you wanted to say to her, now is the time. What was it that you noticed about her? Was she dressed interestingly? Was there something that you noticed about her? Was it simply that she was beautiful?
4) Contextualize your opener. Give her some depth so that you’re not coming off as random and scripted.
– “Hi I just saw you and I thought you were really cute”
– “Hi, I know that this is really random for the street, you’re probably heading home from work or something, but I just walked right past you with my friend up and there and I thought ‘Wow I have to go back and talk to that woman'”.
5) If it doesn’t land – next! It’s nothing personal, you just don’t click with some people. If it lands, make some chitchat for a few minutes, tell her that you will let her get back to whatever it was that she was going, and close! Don’t walk off without asking for that phone number.
Chris Manak is one of the most successful dating coaches in the Australian industry. He has 10 years of personal experience under his belt with enough interactions, dates and stories to fill a small library. He has taught hundreds of men to take their game to new levels and is not afraid to tell his clients the truth – whether it’s good, bad or downright ugly in order to facilitate true growth. Manic Workshops is not about theories but about practicality, taking action and ensuring students go out and meet women by unleashing their best, most confident self. Visit his site – ManicWorkshops.com.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(You can start picking up girls tonight)
Tips for picking up girls in the street:
1) STATE: I would highly recommend he gets in state before going for a pickup: State building exercise compliment 10 girls and leave right away ??
2) Being DIRECT: secondly I recommend he is direct and honest no small talk ( In the first 30 seconds should be playful and giving of a fun vibe!)
3) Listening: I strongly recommend listening to what the girl says which will give you all the material you need to keep the conversation going.
Johnny Berba, a strong advocate of attracting women naturally, lives and breathes daygame. His journey started in his early twenties when he spent two years with a naturally charismatic guy learning the key principles of interacting and attracting the opposite sex. He’s since mastered daygame and goes out everyday to attract and pick up beautiful girls on the streets of London. Watch him in action on YouTube and if you want one on one coaching head on over to JohnnyBerba.com.
I’m going to reveal to you the 3 crucial core concepts to remember when picking up a girl on the street if you want her to be instantly attracted to you. If you don’t do these three things that I’m about to show you then you risk looking desperate, needy, and try-hard and ultimately ending up in the friend zone.
CRUCIAL CONCEPT NUMERO UNO: Be Direct. Anytime you are approaching a girl during the day you need to be honest and genuine. Asking her an opinion about something that you don’t really care about doesn’t work effectively because women are intuitive and can sense that you are “beating around the bush”. No woman wants a guy who is dishonest. So be direct and truthful in your approach.
If you are walking up to her because you find her attractive then just tell her that. Be unapologetic about your approach and she will appreciate your honest and will be impressed by your courage.
If you go indirect then you risk wasting her time (because people are busy during the day) and ending up in the friend zone because she won’t know that you are “hitting on her”.
CRUCIAL CONCEPT NUMERO DOS: Be Bold. Women are attracted to powerful, confident, masculine leaders. This is no secret. She will feel your power (or lack there of) in your bold language, tonality and other non-verbal sub communication.
So make sure you tonality is loud, but not overbearing, and authoritative. Your posture should be erect. You should be standing directly in front of her arms distance apart. Any further than that will make you seem afraid of her, which will instantly kill the attraction.
CRUCIAL CONCEPT NUMERO TRES: Give Her The Look. There’s a certain look that you can give a woman that will make her melt. When done correctly, you convey primal sexual confidence through strong eye contact and with the way you are feeling inside. If you are scared and timid, she will feel it. If you are bold and confident, she will feel that.
Look deep into her eyes with a soft gaze and sly smirk that conveys “I will ravish you tonight and have my way with you”. She will read your sub-communicated suggestion and feel and instant surge of uncontrollable unconscious sexual desire. For an example check out the movie Top Gun or watch the scene in The Aviator where Leonardo DiCaprio seduces the cigarette girl in under a minute.
So here’s the deal, if you want to really learn how to do this stuff then get my 100% free video series on “How to Get a Hot Date in 3-Minutes” where I reveal a simple strategy to spark attraction and get a woman chasing you in less than 3-minutes. Go to TheAttractiveMan home page to get the videos. Live Bold and Be The Attractive Man.
Matt Artisan is the creator of The Dating Academy Program and the President of The Attractive Man llc – a legendary dating program for men, based on his ground breaking understanding of women and psychology. Matt teaches “Deep Authentic Attraction” and has trained over 5,000 men since founding his company. Like him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter @1on1DatingCoach
If you want to learn how to pickup girls easily watch this:
It’s the fastest way to master pickup.
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to pick up a girl who’s with a group of friends on the beach what 3 pointers would you give him?
Living near the beach in California, and hanging out in beaches throughout Australia, Bali and Thailand I’ve had my fair share of beach approaches. The most difficult beach approaches I’ve done are during what I call “Topless Swedish Girl Season” which happens in February every year in Thailand.
Use the following three tricks to approach all girls on the beach, and if they’re not topless, even easier!
1. Dress like you’re on the beach. If you’re in a t-shirt, shoes, and long pants, you’ll look out of place and look like a creeper. But if you’re in board shorts, barefoot and look like you’re enjoying yourself it comes off as very natural to approach.
It helps if you’re a bit tanned and in decent shape as well, don’t let those be excuses not to approach girls on the beach but also stop lying to yourself. The time you spend reading eBooks and posting on PUA forums you could be dedicating to making yourself actually attractive.
2. Have a prop or reason to approach. If you surf, walk up with your board. If you’re promoting an event or party for your friends, perfect. Even walking up with a coconut in hand helps. It’s perfectly okay to approach groups of girls on the beach, but it’s much easier if you actually have a reason to.
For me I’ll have girls hold my guide book and take a photo for my travel blog, or ask them if they are going to the upcoming beach party. Be careful though not to get stuck talking about that prop all day and ejecting. Talk about it briefly and then transition the conversation into something more personal, and you’re in.
3. Take off the shades and make eye contact!
It seems like it would be a good idea to look cool in your sunglasses but I’ve split tested both and it’s easier to build comfort during a beach cold approach if you let the girls see your eyes.
Remember your goal is to build enough comfort with the group and then isolate the girl you actually like.
The successful beach pickups I’ve had included meeting a girl that was tanning and asking her to play beach volleyball with me after 20 minutes of chit chat, and also getting another girl to go with me to the snack bar.
Don’t be afraid of letting everyone in the group know which girl you’re interested in, it’s the entire point!
A lead-instructor for ABC’s of Attraction, Johnny Wolf is considered by many to be one of the best PUA Bootcamp instructors in the world. Over the last 5 years Johnny has been turning unconfident guys into attractive, alpha ladies men by instilling his students with the rock-hard alpha presence he achieved himself after breaking through the typical Asian stereotype. He’s a frequent traveller and teaches bootcamps around the world. Find out where he’ll be next on his personal blog and don’t forget to like ABCs of Attraction on Facebook and subscribe to their YouTube Channel.
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to pick up a girl who’s in a large mixed group in a bar, what 3 pointers would you give him?
1) As soon as you walk in a bar, start talking to someone, anyone. Not only will it get you moving but people will notice you and be curious about you. It will make speaking to women much easier afterwards.
2) Merge sets (introduce people to each other). Be the host or the “mayor” and get people talking to each other. Do this without any ulterior motive to pick up a woman – just do it to be sociable and to be generous. People (both men and women) will appreciate this and reciprocate.
3) Unless you are getting very definite signals, close your interactions with women by proposing some social reason to stay in touch instead of for dating purposes. If you tell her you are planning to host this big party and would like to invite her, she will be more comfortable to give you her number than if you ask for it because you want to take her on a date.
From there you can start communicating with her and if you do it without the pressure of your wanting to date her hanging in the air, you will come across as a normal, good guy and she will most likely be more interested than if you hit on her. Let her do some of the work in converting this relationship to a personal one.
As well as being the founder of the oldest and most respected email newsletter in the seduction community, Clifford Lee is the creator of the Cliff’s List Convention – a program that helps you become a Master of attracting women. Cliff’s List Convention is chock full of video presentations from 20 of the biggest names in the pick up industry including Mystery, Style, David DeAngelo, Tyler Durden, Steve P and Nick Savoy. So if you want to learn pick up from the best of the best we highly recommend you click here to check it out.
If you want to learn how to pickup girls easily watch this:
(It’s the best way to master pickup in a short space of time)
Picking up a girl in a large mixed set is one of the more difficult things you can attempt. If you’re going to try it, then you want to follow these 3 pointers.
1) Approach at the right angle. Big groups are going to break up. If you are approaching a girl in a mixed group of 5 people, you want to make sure you approach close enough to the girl you want to talk to. That way no matter how the group breaks up, you’ll be close enough to hit on her.
Don’t feel the need to entertain the whole group either. Remember that your goal is to get into a one on one conversation with the girl you’re attracted with, not entertain the group.
2) Ask “How do you guys know each other?” This is vital for two reasons:
First it lets you know if the guy(s) are romantically involved with the girl you’re interested in.
Secondly it’s an easy way to plan your next move. Generally there will be one of three types of relationships:
i) They will be dating, in which case you can use the group for social proof for a while before moving on.
ii) They will be friends/acquaintances/work together, in this case you are free to hit on the girl and as soon as the rest of the group is disarmed (Just meaning they are not actively going out of their way to cockblock you) you want to try to isolate the girl you like.
iii) They will have just met, in this case you want to slowly start to ignore the guys (in a friendly non confrontational or rude way) and eventually within 5 minutes or so isolate all the girls away from the guys.
3) Isolate and then gather logistics. You want to get the girl isolated as quickly as you can because while you can get attraction and intrigue in a group, the real pick up is done one on one where you can qualify, build compliance and get sexual. So you want to isolate quickly by whatever means necessary.
I’ve isolated by buying girls drinks, saying it’s too loud over here, grabbing the girls hand and leading and more. The key is to go for it, the how is less important as long as you have a reason.
Once I’ve isolated and qualified I want to find out her logistics or how she got to the bar/club/whatever. So I’ll ask “Did you guys meet here or all get together to pre-party?” At this point she’s going to tell me whether she drove herself (the best option), came with friends she can leave (2nd best), or is the driver for her friends (worst).
Now I know whether or not I can go for a same night lay. Most of my same night lays have come from mixed groups as most girls drive themselves and most big groups are work or birthday related In my experience.
Voted #1 Pick-up Artist in the World by TSB Magazine, Jon Sinn teaches a no bullshit, practical approach to meeting & seducing the women you want. Jon was instructing back in the Mystery Method days before becoming a popular instructor with the Love Systems team. He then set up Sinns of Attraction – a PUA company based on teaching his own style of pick up focussing on natural attraction. He recently released a new product – Effortless Conversation System, that teaches you how to become a Master at having effortless conversations with hot women.
1) If you’re honest and respectful nothing bad will happen even if you go very direct.
“Hey I don’t know if one of these guys is your boyfriend, but you’re fucking gorgeous and I wanted to say hi. What’s your name.”
If her boyfriend is present he/she will say so. Just say, “Ahh I thought so, you’re a lucky guy she’s the hottest girl in here.” Good chance he’ll buy you a drink for making her night and being a bro. Plus try to hook you up with her friends.
2) Odds are the guys with her are friends, coworkers or guys stuck in the friend zone. If you come in confident and don’t care about anything other than saying the truth (she’s hot) the guys will blow themselves out trying to “save” her.
You: (To her) Sorry am I interrupting something?
3) If you’re unreactive and the guys still try to strongarm you, leave it up to her to fix while framing them negatively.
“Looks like your friends are a bit jealous. Flash me some eyes when they’re not breathing down your neck. I want to talk to you.”
Cajun is known for his rock solid confidence and was described as “The pinnacle” and “The best guy we’ve seen” on the hit TV show “Keys to the VIP”. The show involves two contestants battling it out in a club to decide who is the better PUA. It’s well worth a watch because Cajun clears up, and the fact he isn’t afraid to display his pick up skills on TV for the world to see just goes to show he’s the real deal. You can watch him in action here. Since mastering pick up Cajun became devoted to helping men reaching the same level he’s at and is now one of the lead instructors at Love Systems.
I completely understand why a guy would be nervous when approaching a big, mixed group and trying to pick up a hot girl.
The first time I tried that, I was TERRIFIED. I remember the first time I was winging Mystery and he sent me into a group of hot blondes with a muscle-bound guy alpha-dogging the group, and I thought I was going to die from the terror. But I quickly learned that mixed groups don’t have to be as alarming as they seem, and that they can actually be an ADVANTAGE if you play your cards right.
With that in mind, here are my three biggest tips for how to master mixed-group approaches:
1) Always pay attention to the guy or to the alpha females in the group first. You are a stranger, an outsider to their group. If you don’t respect the authority of the person who is “in charge” when you approach, they can easily and justifiably cockblock you or tell you to back off for being an intruder. But when you respect the dominant person and gain their respect in turn, not only do you earn your place in the group, you earn the respect of the people watching…including your target.
2) Slowly wean your attention away from the dominant person once you’ve earned your place and start paying more attention to your target. If you don’t give enough attention to your target, she will never know you’re interested and might treat you as just another friend of the group. You do NOT want to become “one of the girls.” You also don’t want to immediately cut the alpha dog off in favor of your target; I like to start with 90-10, 80-20, 70-30, and then finally down to paying complete attention to my target.
3) Once you have your target’s complete and undivided attention, isolate her. This could be as simple as lightly kino turning her away from the group under the guise of directing her attention elsewhere or as bold as grabbing her hand and pulling her away, but either way, your best chances for kiss closing or pulling a girl are when she is away from the judgment of her friends.
A former student of Mystery’s bootcamps, Jerry Tran aka The Asian Playboy is author of The Modern Asian Man and the founder, CEO and lead instructor of ABCs of Attraction – a company dedicated to helping men get better at picking up women. JT is legendary for his ability to turn shy Asian men into confident, alpha pickup artists. Be sure to like ABCs of Attraction on Facebook and subscribe to JT’s YouTube Channel
1) Take a big deep breath, let it out, and smile.
2) Remind himself that there are literally thousands of other women within a 15 mile drive of his home who are just as hot, just a smart, and just as cool as this woman could possibly be. He doesn’t need her.
3) Assume her male friends are relaxed, chill guys who will like him.
Blackdragon teaches men how to have open relationships and how to reliably and repeatedly get to sex within 3-4 hours of meeting a woman.
The first order of business is to not think about meeting a woman as “picking her up.” This mindset will kill your odds of success, especially if she is in a mixed group. This mindset puts you into a “taking frame,” instead of a “giving frame,” and I assure you, no group wants some random guy to take their friend. Women want to feel “swept away” by a man who knows how to take control. Women do NOT want to feel like the man is getting over on them or taking something from them.
Your power is your degree of internal locus of control (I-LoC), and inversely, your lack of approval-seeking (nApp). Most seduction methods are based on techniques that fake a lack of approval-seeking. However, I-LoC behavior is extremely subtle, and varies with each individual. If you make a conscious effort to present yourself as confident and “alpha,” I assure you there will be a crack in your expression. The nApp-ing will show through. This is why the “fake it til you make it” strategy will actually slow your progress.
Instead, don’t fake it. Be nervous. Be shy. Be insecure. Be vulnerable. And still take action.
The system I teach, ACT Leadership, stands for Awareness, Control, and Thrust. It is based on action, even if you don’t have confident beliefs, or competence applying techniques. I don’t want to wait for confidence or competence. Techniques without beliefs lead to negative feedback. But beliefs take time, and you want results immediately.
Being good with women, and people, is not an acquisition of more beliefs, more skills, or more techniques. It is a subtractive process, getting rid of the cultural conditioning that separates men from women. Once my students get a positive feedback loop, they are ready to learn the advanced material. (I break down ACT completely, with tons basic and advanced tactics you can apply immediately, in my home study course at SexualSupremacy.com).
In this article, I will give you some pointers to optimize your success approaching a woman in a mixed group. Keep in mind, you can’t get any girl, anytime, anywhere. Reality doesn’t work that way. Michael Jordan missed more shots than he made. The good news is, connecting with women is much easier than playing basketball. It’s about as hard as learning to drive a car.
I won’t go into what I say to women, and how I lead conversations. That’s another article. For now, the issue is what to do when:
2. The group has men in it.
First, some theory on social psychology. There is no such thing as 4-set, or 5-set, etc. In fact, “set” is a term used in magic performances. Don’t think about meeting women as approaching a “set,” because it puts you in a frame of performing for strangers. If you want to perform for strangers, at least put out a hat so people can throw change in it. But don’t expect to have sex with anyone.
In social groups, people break up into sub-groups of 2 and 3. So for practical purposes, you never have to address more than 3 people. If you are extroverted and have something fun to ask or say, address the group. But transition to, and engage the woman of your interest as soon as possible.
I personally never address a group. I tried it a little when I first started learning about pickup 9-10 years ago. Once I realized it was unnecessary, I stopped. I got got much better results being direct, but balancing my sexual desire with social respect. That’s my M.O. in a nutshell. It’s simple and natural, and thus extremely effective and consistent.
The way I see it, I don’t care about those other people, and I don’t like to talk a lot. I want to meet the woman I’ve been checking out. I can handle any interruptions the others give me in a positive, relaxed way, giving respect while garnering it.
I almost never have problems from other men because I don’t look like I’m running game. I have no indication of persona, or being “fake.” I don’t try to be smooth or cool or confident. I am soft spoken but self-assured. I’m sexual but self-effacing. I’m direct but respectful.
I don’t try to talk myself out of any fears. If I feel fear, I accept it and keep moving. I’m quick to make fun of myself, verbalize any insecurities I have, and look down if I’m uncomfortable. But I’m smiling with my eyes the whole time, showing the woman how much she excites me.
I know her secret. I know what turns her on. I know she wants to feel desired, but can’t agree to sex in front of her friends. I show her that I know this. I show her that I know she doesn’t care if I have all the right moves. I don’t try to be witty, smooth, or confident, because I know she’s not attending to my words as much as the thought process behind them. I know this is where her attention is, and she knows I know. She can tell, because of my lack of effort to impress, while at the same time conveying sexuality.
The other guys try to look tough, cool, smart, assertive, etc, but none of that turns her on. She sees that I know I can look down out of shyness, I know I can stutter and then laugh at myself, I know I can be awkward. The fact that I allow myself to be whoever I am, combined with my desire for her makes wet for me.
The other men see this, and there’s an instant respect for me. They have probably never approached a woman so boldly, so there’s the temptation to criticize me, in order to protect their own egos. And yet there is nothing about me they can ridicule. If they try to out-alpha me, or make fun of me, they look weak, worrying they will lose their position in the queue for sex. Women can see the insecurity behind male flexing.
If any men try to interrupt me, they annoy the woman, because she wants to talk to me. If they are actually friends with the woman (or her brother), they will give her space. They see she likes me, and they let her have fun.
Men can be territorial even if they aren’t fucking any of the women in their group. If they do talk to me, they will be respectful, and I will be respectful. That’s all a man wants. If you can let a guy know you respect him, he will stay out of your way.
I never address the group first. I talk to the woman I’m interested in first, and I let her know I have a sexual intention. In other words, I’m direct.
I make eye contact first, before I speak. Sometimes I can walk up and grab her attention with my presence alone. Sometimes if she’s not facing me, I’ll give her a light touch on the upper end of her forearm – close to her elbow, or I will cup her elbow for a second.
The others in the group look at me, then they watch for her reaction to me. If she likes me, they will relax and talk amongst themselves. If the friends are still looking at me, I introduce myself. I won’t go out of my way to shake hands with someone, but I’m not anti-social or lazy. There’s a line between rudeness and trying too hard, that you identify from experience.
I may face the rest of the group for a second to see if they are interested in learning more about me (i.e. they are screening for the woman). If they are, I chat a little. The old, “How do you guys know each other,” works consistently.
I turn back to my woman at about a 90-angle to her – just enough so that I don’t close her or myself off to the others.
I respect the members of the group. If one of her friends is close to me, I talk to him/her long enough so they don’t feel left out. This is crucial if your woman is talking to one other woman. You will need to give the other woman about 30-40 percent of your attention.
Do not try to take over the group. This is the opposite of what typical PUA methods propose. I do not want to be the leader of the group. I do not want to be the alpha. Maybe I will end up as the alpha or whatever, but I absolutely don’t think about that. I don’t want the man, or the “mom”/alpha-female to think I want to take over their territory. I just want to talk to their friend.
These people are friends. You are nobody. You will not be the leader or the alpha male. If you try to be, the other men and “mom” will resent you and get in your way. This is not war. You are not invading a country. Socializing, when done correctly, is the opposite of conflict, achievement, or conquering.
Often when I approach a woman in the middle of conversation, I’ll say, “Excuse me, I don’t me to interrupt,” or “Am I interrupting?” Nine times out of ten they say, “Oh no, it’s OK.” then I either give a compliment to the woman I’m interested in, or I simply lock eyes with her to show her I think she’s sexy, and then ask her name. Simplicity works well for me, because there’s a sexual intensity and social boldness behind it. With the direct approach, I’ve found less does more.
If I happen to approach at a bad time, and the group seems annoyed, I say, “Oh sorry, bad timing. Did I interrupt something important?” If they are at a bar, it’s probably not important.
I never make an effort to take a woman away from her group. If I “extract” her to a couch, she will be looking at me, but thinking about her friends. If she is with her friends, she can see them, but is thinking about me. I’d rather be in her mind now, and in her body later. Also, the friends will see that I don’t want to take her away. This makes them less likely to interrupt me.
The only reason to isolate physically is to make-out. Some may disagree with me, but I don’t like to make out in the bar or club. If she is leaning up for a kiss, I may give her one, just to give her a preview of what’s to come. I use a a slow and sensual kissing technique that gets a woman thinking about me licking her other pair of lips.
Having said this, if people are bumping us or it’s loud and uncomfortable, I will move a woman to more conducive position for us to talk, but not so far away that she can’t see her friends.
Also, dancing is a great way to turn a woman on. Obviously that would require taking her to another area, and being “isolated” in a sense. If the woman seems to want to dance, or you feel like dancing, simply say to her friend, “can I borrow your friend to dance?” And then say “let’s go.”
There are three keys to being good at dancing.
(First let’s define good: she thinks you will be good at f*cking her.)
1. Rhythm. Learn to stay on beat by listening to the music, defocus on the sounds, and feel the repeating speed of the drums.
3. Let her feel your cock – don’t dry hump unless she does first. If you can press it against her just a couple times so that she feels she is exciting you, that will make a huge difference in her motivation to have sex. Remember, a woman is fundamentally turned on by a man’s desire for her.
If you want to take her home, you must appear safe to the rest of the group. Ask them how they are getting home, and if they have a designated driver. Appear concerned about their well-being. Ask the other women how they feel about the venue – have the guys been creepy or respectful?
If there’s a guy who seems to be the protector, jokingly mention how a guy has to be the protector when he’s out with girls. I have a sister, and when I hang out with her and her friends I feel like the bodyguard. I bring this up to other men in the group. Let the protector know you think it’s cool that he’s protective because you are the same way.
Sometimes the protector will be a woman. She’s the “mom” of the group. Do the same thing with her, but add a compliment about her outfit or hair. This is enough to satiate most potential cockblocks. Remember that if you don’t have a game-y persona, most people have no interest in blocking you, because really, they’d be blocking their friend from connecting with a guy she likes.
It’s probably beyond the scope of this article but I shape women to be adventurous and independent with me. Suffice to say, you want to steer the conversation towards being adventurous, and doing what we wants without worrying what others think. Then Us-framing (a technique I teach in my LEAD7 Program) as a reward for her agreement. I create the sense that she and I are bad/naughty/rebels/troublemakers/a great team. We make our own rules and do what we want, like Bonnie and Clyde.
I have a ton of powerful tactics for turning women on and making them want to go home with you. Two great resources for this are TakeHerHomeTonight.net, and SexualSupremacy.com/Spark
Here are some thoughts on the inner experience of all this. If you feel nervous, that’s OK. What’s not OK is not being OK with your nerves, and trying to hide them. Don’t do that. It helps to remind myself that men and women respect courage. It may be egotistical, but it gives me a small sense of pride to remember that the other men probably don’t have the balls, or skills, to approach a woman in a mixed group.
Here are some easy exercises to get you comfortable approaching mixed groups:
1. Talk to guys who aren’t out with girls. Get a sense of bantering and making small talk. There’s an art to quick, masculine interactions with guys you don’t know. You want to convey that you are a masculine, self-assured guy, but not cocky. You want to convey a lack of fear of other men, and plenty of physical energy, conveyed with a positive demeanor, and physical movement.
2. Approach women directly, on the street or in shopping areas. This grows your balls.
3. Tell a male-female couple that they are a good looking couple, tell the guy he’s the man, and walk away.
4. Go around the bar and tell three women they look great, with the same tonality as you would say, “Hey nice weather today,” or “How about those Dodgers?”
5. Approach women-only groups, using the “I don’t mean to interrupt” phrase. Get a sense of how the mom will act, taking note of the patterns of protective behavior. Get in the habit of being respectful of their time and space, so you can set the friends’ worries at ease.
6. Do the same with mixed groups. Focus on accepting your discomfort, rather than wearing a mask to hide it.
Notice that none of the strategies or tactics laid out are unnatural or strange behavior. All of this is designed to make you comfortable doing something VERY few men have the balls or skills to attempt, because of cultural conditioning. If you can step out of the matrix, you can explode your sex life. And as you’ve probably experienced, often the woman you want to meet is in a mixed group. So if you can’t approach her while she is in a group, you will miss out.
Meeting women in mixed groups is not relatively hard, compared to other life skills (cooking, driving, networking, fixing a flat tire, etc). Your biggest challenges will be fear, and lack of social awareness. Learn to pay attention to others while focusing on your woman, so you can see potential issues before they manifest into real obstacles.
Beyond that, it’s as simple as making a good direct approach – genuine, respectful, and bold. Keep it simple, and do not fall into the trap of thinking you need to impress anyone. I advise making an extra iota of effort to set the protector at ease, whether man or woman. If it’s a woman, add a compliment. If it’s a guy, make short small talk about sports, drinking, or work.
You like women. So you talk to them. You aren’t an asshole. So you respect her friends. If you see that you are interrupting, acknowledge it. Notice if anyone seems threatened by your presence, and make a modest effort to show them respect. This is what you would do if you were:
1. Not afraid of disapproval from others, because you like yourself, and
2. Not brainwashed by our society to think that sex lowers a woman’s value as a human being
Your sexual desire is natural and healthy. Our society tells us our sexuality is bad, but we should still try to get sex whenever we can. We are conditioned to think that sex is owned by women, but women are not SEXUAL.
We desire sex, but our desire is bad because sex diminishes a woman’s value. So we must trick women into giving us sex by saying and doing the “right things,” i.e. running game.
The idea that you cannot just walk up to a woman in a group and convey sexual interest comes from cultural conditioning. It is propaganda, presented as religion, morality, and science, to uphold “civilization.”
As long as men see women as enemies, we will remain in conflict, blind to the real issues facing our species.
As an 8 year veteran men’s dating coach, Brian Burke has trained thousands of men to enjoy their ideal sex lives with the women they really want. He doesn’t teach “game or seduction,” but Leadership. For ground breaking articles, courses, and live coaching info, check out GoBeyondDating.com
1) Get Into a Resourceful State
Being able to get into a resourceful state is key if you want to experience success when out in the field. There are many ways to get into a resourceful, talkative state – some good and some downright destructive. Here’s one quick way I teach new students to get into resourceful state:
Recognize that the state that you’re in is only self-imposed and created by you – then focus on stepping into either (A) curiosity, (B) appreciation, or (C) gratitude. Once you recognize the state you’re in and instead choose to dial into one of these new aspects, go out there and express yourself from your new chosen viewpoint. Talk to people, move your body, move around the venue, and get the ball rolling. You’ll notice that after a few interactions this new viewpoint will start sticking more and more and your state will have shifted to a positive, productive state. For a look at more ways to get in state, as well as a ton of other aspects of inner game, check out my critically acclaimed book The Inner Game of Dating.
At Airtight Game we teach guys like you to Become Your Best SelfTM. We teach them to do this through following a series of self-development exercises coupled with social freedom missions with individualized coaching along the way. In doing the earnest work of self-development, men like you are able to become the best versions of themselves possible, making it exponentially easier to attract women through a strong, congruent, present, honest identity of integrity.
Now, no matter if you’ve been in the self-development game for a few weeks, few months, or even less, now is NOT the time to pretend to be someone or something you’re not. If you’re not happy with the man you’re being, then change it – but that happens on your own time. When you’re out, present yourself as you really are, and if you’re a great guy, that’s going to come through. Be your self – your best self.
That doesn’t excuse you from having a rock solid plan of what you’re going to say, what you’re going to do, and how you’re going to do it – but that’s what training is for.
If you want to have success with a woman whose out in a group, you’ll have to actually approach her. Once you do, you’ll have to be able to successfully interact with the different people that make up that group. I teach what I call the BID Model when out meeting women in groups, with BID standing for “Befriend, Ignore, Destroy”.
The first thing you want to do when you meet other men or women that are out with the woman you want to speak to is you want to befriend them. Befriend the group and the other people in it, if possible. You might be surprised to discover that in many cases they’re willing to help you guys get together – if you’ve shown yourself to be a good guy.
Your next alternative is to just ignore any obstacles in the group. If people don’t want to be friendly with you, then pay them no attention, as if they’re invisible, and continue to run your interaction without interruption.
As a last resort, if other people in the group are being openly aggressive or impeding the progress you’re making in building a connection with the woman you’re interested in, you can destroy their value. You do this with your words, never physically. Once you’ve been around the block a few times in this game you’ll find that you can easily tool guys when out if you have to.
By following the BID model you’ll be able to handle any other alpha males or alpha females when out meeting women, and you’ll be able to get success with the woman you’ve chosen in the group as well.
I hope these tips were helpful for you as you go out and meet women. If you have any questions at all, feel free to reach out to me over at Airtight Game.
Josh Maverick is a dating and lifestyle coach based out of Atlanta, Georgia and Tucson, Arizona. He believes that you can Become Your Best SelfTM through making a conscious commitment to growth and by undertaking personal and social freedom exercises designed to expand you as a man. He also believes that by communicating that best self through Integrity GameTM – the combination of the 4 key values of honesty, integrity, congruence, and presence along with training in communication and relating – you can rise to the occasion in every area of your life. Josh has been in the game for over a half decade and leads the Platinum Mastermind Coaching program at Airtight Game. Find him on Facebook here and subscribe to his YouTube Channel.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(You can start picking up girls tonight)
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to pick up a girl when he’s out with his guy friends, what 3 pointers would you give him?
I know I have been quiet for the past year although I have been working on a major application outside of the pickup field but still in the social realm. Please support it: http://socialbrim.com. I am thankful to Rich James for asking me to contribute a few sentences to this article alongside my colleagues.
Over the years my mindset has changed drastically from the common PUA. I used to be truly influenced by the peer pressure and ridiculousness that happens in our community. Here are the three insights that have helped me succeed with women while going out with my guy friends.
1. Entrance – You know that one of the most important things when meeting someone is first impression. When entering a new venue with friends is no different. Make sure your having a good time and your body language is solid. Relax and don’t worry about opening immediately. A lot of guys listen to second tier pickup material will follow a subset of rules that instil immediate action. Those rules were created for people that do not take action. You on the other hand will!
2. Sweep – The sweep is opening up a moving set and walking besides her through the venue so others may notice your with a girl. (This can also be achieved by opening a standing/seating set and bouncing her around the venue) Remember they do not know your relationship to the girl and will assume your together. This will separate you from your friends for a small time and build pre-selection throughout the venue. This one action will create a wave of pre-selection and make the rest of your encounters easier. It will also give you a chance to scope the venue without looking like a troll.
3. Clean – Now you have entered with your friends, set a high social proof and confident presences. You have swapped the area, created a wave of pre-selection and scoped out your targets. Its time to clean house. At this point you want to begin engaging any lady that gave you any indicators of interest such as; proximity, solid eye contact, smiled at you, etc. At any point of the night. Remember you can also merge sets together using my hurricane theory.
The rest of your night should be easy, fun and enjoyable!
Mystery, from VH1’s The Pickup Artist, called Speer “the best in the world” and an MSNBC reporter said, “When you give him a hug, you get giddy and laugh”. Speer lived with Mystery in the original “Project Miami” mansion up until 2007. He then teamed up with Vince Kelvin and took over the infamous “Project Hollywood” as featured in the best selling book The Game. He’s recently set up a new “Project Miami” in the heart of south beach. Speer runs the largest dating conference in the world – The Global Pickup Conference, he is the creator of Speer Method, Kings of Pickup and author of a weekly newsletter to over 180,000 people. He’s currently working on an amazing new app (outside the pickup field but still in the social realm) – Social Brim. Be sure to support it and if you want to get social you can find Speer on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to pick up a girl who’s with a female friend in a bar, what 3 pointers would you give him?
One of the Beckster styles/modes of game is semi-direct, so not non-sexual indirect nor alpha direct, but a nice in-between to show your cheeky chappy side and that you can be sexual and don’t get stuck in the friends zone, but are not a predator or a sleaze bag.
I’ve been making a product on this that’s out in a few months with infield examples for everyone and currently teach it in my bootcamps – think Russell Brand or Alfie (Jude Law) not the Michael Cane version as that’s to direct and comes across as rude and arrogant!
Maybe make a half cheeky joke about her having really sharp elbows as you walk by and pretend to bump into them and get hurt by them, or a cheeky bump with your hip to her ass them a smile and introduce yourself saying something like, “just seeing if you got a sense of humour to go with your looks. Hi I’m Beckster”, maybe even a spin to top it off ?? Then turn and say “Hi you must be the best friend?”
With the mind set you must embody the 5 C’s I have found to be in Natural Gamers or “The Naturals” as we call them. They have Confidence, Congruency, Calibration, Courage & Conviction – by practising set piece you can start to get used to girls answers, replies and looks and become more natural. Also always great to try to feed off hooks.
Make sure you work the group equally so you don’t lose the girl, so the mind set for that should be if I win the friend over (maybe with laughter for example) then I win the girl, which you should be slightly more sexual and leading towards.
Beckster, famous for teaching some of the biggest names in the pickup world, is a celebrity dating coach with over 15 years of experience in the game. He is the creator of The Beckster Lifestyle, which is about living life on your own terms to become your best and most attractive self so you can attract the women you truly desire. Dubbed the UK’s first and original Pickup Artist he teaches “Naturally Seductive Game” which is a seamless combination of natural seducer beliefs and mindsets with Pickup Artist techniques. He conducts regular bootcamps both in London and around the world alongside his big name PUA wingmen: Mystery and Matador. Beckster runs a popular YouTube channel packed with some MUST SEE videos including Visual W*nking and how to exude sexual dominance when on a date. Like him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
If you want to learn how to pickup girls easily watch this:
It’s the fastest way to master pickup.
In regards to how one would approach a woman with friends my three pointers would be following:
1) Be aware of the judgement issue – the more friends or people watching the target the more judgment and insecurity they will feel. If she is with more than one friend I would approach the group, not speak to the target and do a direct approach with what I call an ‘instant isolation’. That means that I would say “Excuse me guys I’m just going to borrow your friend for 5 seconds as I’d like to ask her something”.
Never ask, just tell and assume their compliance.
Then, without removing her from the group or her friend(s) I make sure to touch her shoulder and angle her body away from them so that her back is turned to them. This has many benefits, the main one of which is that she is not longer looking at her friends and feeling judged or overheard.
2) If she is with one friend only who is female or male I often approach another stranger and say “Hi look I know this is bit weird and I don’t usually do this but my friend over there seems to really like you and I’d like to introduce you to him / her”. Of course this is a blatant lie but when you introduce the stranger to the target’s friend they often are so nervous they rarely wish to embarrass each other by asking “So what did you like about me” or “How do you know that guy Jonathan”.
It is incredibly counter intuitive and was inspired from one of the Sun Tzu’s Art of War Theories of using distraction to your advantage. As I am a huge proponent of speed seduction by the time the obstacle and the stranger’s conversation dies (usually 5 minutes or so) I already have enough attraction and rapport from the target.
Finally, it will give you a huge amount of social proof because they often are a little in shock and have a boring and unattractive conversation that then brings the focus back to you as the conversational ‘saviour’ because you’re more interesting.
3) Opinion openers are old school, cheesy and often come off as insincere unless you’re a very convincing liar who can pretend to truly care about “whether a cat can be gay”.
Save yourself some pride, man up and go direct. Approach and deliver the opener to the friend initially ignoring the target for only the first 30-60 seconds. I often say “Hi, I know this is going to sound a little weird but I saw your friend from over there and thought she was quite cute and wanted to come to talk to her but don’t particularly want to intrude on your conversation”.
This does a few things psychologically – when you approach it is often awkward as most women really know (if not suspect) why you are really there. Mentioning that you know it is “weird” and “a bit direct” or “a bit too forward” has the effect of making it OK. If you bring the awkwardness to the surface it actually isn’t a lingering thought int he back of their mind anymore as to “why is this guy really here”.
Secondly, the friend will never wish to look like a bitch and ruin an opportunity for her friend regardless of whether the friend actually approves of you. This way you leverage the social proof to your advantage you get overt social consent from the obstacle almost instantly.
Now, because the friend has already consented on the target’s behalf, the target will fell compelled not to go against their friend’s decision and risk embarrassing them or arguing with them. This will buy you the first 5 minutes of conversation, which gives you more than enough time to get a laugh or two and consequently attraction.
Jonathan S., aka “T” has been a dating coach in over 30 countries since 2004. He helps men with three main issues: how to approach, what to say after you open to generate humour and attraction and finally how to sexually escalate. T’s main concern has always been speed – he’s always looking at the fastest ways to to seduce women. He was made famous by his 60 second “number-close” technique which you can watch on YouTube here and later for his “Under 10min kiss-close” technique. He doesn’t teach lines but rather uses techniques to instigate his four simple principles for attraction which can be applied to any culture. T has a HUGE following on Twitter @howtoseduce.
It’s such a broad question and the atmosphere is important to know. The surroundings are important as well. Lots of variables make up how you would approach and handle a two set.
Did she meet her friend in the bar and have her own car? How tipsy is she? What’s her mood like? How into her friend is she?, etc… Ill assume this is a coffee bar and the girls are meeting up and are not intoxicated.
In a broad answer to your question I’d suggest figuring out which one you like and attempt to sit beside her and open conversation very nonchalantly as if you were not hitting on her at all. Good game should not be recognizable to even the expert eye.
Build some comfort with casual conversation then push into likes and dislikes of local areas or places, figure out her passions and interests. This should be good enough for a number close.
At this point you need to figure out what the girl will want to do. By now you should be able to get a feel if she will bounce to another location, if she is super into you or if she hasn’t really opened up yet.
Either, walk with the number, bounce to a new location or start making out. That’s a general idea, to sum up:
2) open conversation and build comfort
3) re-evaluate the situation, close or bounce to a new location.
As I said before this is a general response to a broad question. Many variables can come up that you will need to deal with but I think this is the easiest, safest way to achieve your goals.
Pierce and his team at PUA Coach strive to make men more attractive to others and improve their self-worth. They go to great lengths to provide a personalized experience in helping their students maximize their unique potential. Pierce only offers one-on-one bootcamps since he believes it is the best way achieve maximum results for each student. Visit the bootcamp page to learn how Pierce and his team can help you.
Your answers for a student picking up a girl at a bar who is with a friend:
1) Don’t ignore the friend – Not only do you need to appear socially well-balanced (i.e. not rude), but you should also give the feel of being a fun conversationalist who can handle potential future nights out with her and her friends. You’re not a predator, you’re a cool guy enjoying himself meeting people. That’s what you need to portray.
2) Don’t buy them drinks right away – You’re not paying for attention/validation and using the same line every other insecure bozo she’s met that night has used. She doesn’t want to feel like she owes you anything (i.e. her time) if she doesn’t like you, and she doesn’t even know you yet. Your attention and company is as valuable as hers.
Enjoy yourself, and if you find yourself in a great conversation for 20-30 minutes and you notice her (or her friend’s) glass emptying, then maybe you can use this to continue the naturally-flowing interaction you two are having.
Recap. Buying your woman a drink? Yes, be a gentleman. Buying A woman a drink after she has shown interest for a while. Sure. Buying a random girl a drink at a bar you’ve known for 10 seconds? No.
3) Be fun – No theatrics, no canned routines, no interview questions. Girls don’t come to bars with friends to meet guys who ask them where they live, what they do, if they have a boyfriend, and all that bullshit. Girls crave fun, often more than you do. Become a fun guy who knows how to flirt with women, not a guy that learn pickup routines, big difference. A lot of this comes from embracing your inner masculinity and becoming comfortable with saying what’s truly on your mind vs. what you think you should be saying, like I talk about in my book The Masculine Way.
Dylan Thrasher offers no nonsense life and relationship coaching, helping both men and women get what they want by removing limiting beliefs and showing them how to attain happiness and push for success. He specializes in the anthropological and sociological dynamics of people, life, dating and relationships and has helped thousands of people better their lives, attract the right partners, repair and improve the relationships they keep and learn when it is time to walk away. Check out his book, The Masculine Way and visit his site to learn more about how he can help you.
The question was kind of unclear so I’m interpreting it as the guy is picking up a girl who is with HIS female friend (as in, they know each other and she brought a female friend). This eliminates the “approach” part of the equation and also makes it more important for him NOT to screw up and be weird because he’s going to see them again.
Question: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to pick up a girl who’s with a female friend in a bar, what 3 pointers would you give him?
1. Relax and don’t try to impress her. It’s going to feel artificial and lame. That means no “DHV” stories where you try to show how cool you are, no bragging, no trying to talk yourself up. “The lion doesnt need to roar.” Instead, treat her like a female friend you’re really comfortable with. Joke around with her. Tease her. Give her funny nicknames. Be affectionate.
2. Lead. Lead everything and everywhere. If someone has to make a decision or a move, it’s always your responsibility. You propose moving to a new bar. Or after partying. Or meeting up again later. Don’t put the onus of leadership on her or anyone else.
3. Be a gentleman. Open doors, walk on the outside, help her in/out of the car. A lot of guys think this is “wussy” but it’s only wussy if you’re doing it to IMPRESS her. Don’t do it to impress her. Do it because you’re a classy guy. There’s a reason you see guys like James Bond do stuff like this. Because class never goes out of style.
DJ Fuji is an internationally acclaimed motivational speaker and dating coach. He’s been featured in popular media including the New York Times, VH1, and The Dr. Phil Show. DJ Fuji’s structured, disciplined background comes from being both a United States Marine Corps Sergeant and a black belt with over a decade of martial arts training. He combines this “tough love” approach with professional experience in counseling, mentorship, and leadership coaching to provide his clients with actionable solutions, success-driven principles, and most importantly, real-world results. You can learn more about him on his website: The Tao of DJ Fuji and stay updated by following him on Twitter @djfujipua
If you want to learn how to pickup girls easily watch this:
It’s the fastest way to master pickup.
1) You don’t have to engage the friend but having her on on-board will prevent her from cock blocking you later in the night.
2) Isolate her from her friend when you can to prevent any resistance when going for the number or escalating. Bring in another guy to deal with the friend if necessary.
3) If it’s early in the night and you aren’t getting a favorable response you can always leave and re-approach later, don’t forget to bring the fun vibe + giving mentality.
Michael Valmont is the founder and head coach of Core Evolve – a ground breaking improvement hub for people looking to transform their dating and social lives. Michael has coached hundreds of men across Europe, is committed to his clients’ results and is experienced with solving every issue a man can face both socially or in their dating life. Michael runs a popular YouTube channel packed with infield videos demonstrating how to meet and attract beautiful women wherever you are.
1) Have a great wingman. It is very advantageous to get uninterrupted one-on-one time while hitting on a girl at the bar. If she is willing to give you her undivided attention, it is a great sign that she is attracted to you. It also opens the door to creating a lasting connection which will significantly improve your chances of seeing her again, rather then becoming just another number in her phone.
A skilled wingman will be able to occupy your girls friend and give you that opportunity. Here are 8 rules for being an awesome wingman.
2) If you don’t have a wingman, you need to get her friend on your team.
When I first started hitting on girls in bars, I followed a lot of poor advice regarding teasing women. I teased girls relentlessly, and more often than not, took things way too far.
I remember meeting a gorgeous blonde in San Diego at a bar sometime in the summer of 2006. She was ordering a drink at the bar when I walked up and joked with her about a guy who had just fallen down drunk. I said “I can’t believe you’d bring your drunken dead beat dad to the bar with you” and she cracked up. I continued with this line of teasing and we were making out five minutes later. A few minutes after that her friend came over and I started teasing her as well, but her friend was not amused and made it her mission that night to c*ck block me.
Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Your job is to make sure her friend likes you, trusts you and thinks you’re cool.
When I was in Poland in the summer of 2012, I met Natalia and her friend Olga. Natalia was giving me the eye so I approached her at the bar. She gave me a ton of positive body language right off the bat and I knew she was in love. So I took the time to introduce myself to Olga and take an interest in her as well. I asked them how they met, how long they knew each other, and acted genuinely curious. I took them to another bar and got us a round of drinks. Natalia and I were making out all night and when it came time to leave, Olga approached her and said “You need to be a good hostess and show Robbie around Wroclaw right now.” Natalia said “But what about you? I want to leave with you since I’m staying at your house.” Olga said “No, I will be fine, you’re going with Robbie, I insist.” I couldn’t believe my ears. She literally strong armed Natalia into coming back to my hotel and when we were having sex later that morning, I owed it all to Olga. Check out this video where I demonstrate how to hit on a girl with her friend walking down the sidewalk. If you don’t have a wingman, turn her friend into your wingman as I did in the video.
3) Remember that Social Protocol (TM) conquers all. Social Protocol is saying the right thing at the right time, not saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, reading social cues, leaving when it’s time to leave, etc.
I was doing some one-on-one field work with a client in LA last April when we approached two girls at the bar. My girl was showing me tons of love but unfortunately my client was NOT having much luck with his girl. Most guys will get so lost in their own conversation that they lose their awareness on what is happening around them.
It is very important to notice how your wingman is doing because if your girl’s friend is bored, she will blow up your spot before you know it. After about 90 seconds, my girl was laughing at all my jokes, touching me and exuding all signs of attraction.
My client’s girl was looking around bored and giving her friend the “save me” look. I whispered to my girl “I see your friend giving you the look… you know that look like that she wants my friend dead, I don’t think she could be any less interested in him ;)” She said “yeah, I should probably get back to her, but take my number.”
My ability to read the situation gave me extra points in her book. Most guys are clueless and this gives me a huge leg up on the competition. If you want to improve your understanding of Social Protocol, check out this video.
Robbie K will teach you how to boost your social IQ and date the women you want. Founder of Inner Confidence, he offers a comprehensive curriculum to transform men into attractive, confident, well dressed and socially savvy individuals to stand out from the pack and get noticed by women. Click here to visit Robbie’s Facebook page.
1) Don’t think. Just do. Do not wait more than 60 seconds for the approach. If you are unable to think of an approach, then take 2-5 minutes max to think of your approach and then GO. You are more confident and loose when you are not in your head and just committing to the moment. You may go down in flames, but who cares. You are a man. The more time you waste, the less opportunity you have, and the more you give to the other Joe’s who are on the prowl.
2) Do not be a statistic. 90% of the guys in the room are thinking the same thing you are but will NEVER go over to her, especially if she has a friend. But you are different. You will be part of the 10% and she will respect you just for being apart of that sliver of the male population. Remember, women intuitively respond to confidence and courage. Those traits can be reflected in numerous ways. Every woman knows how nerve-racking it is for a man to cross the room and strike up a conversation. By just doing it you are in an elite group.
3) Play them off of each other. The two set is actually easier in some ways. You do not have to make a decision which one you are interested in, but instead, can strike up a harmless conversation with them both about an Object of Interest. Girls love to talk and the two of them might be bored with each other or love the humor of the male species. Don’t worry, you are not hitting on them. You are striking up a conversation about something in the room. Make them laugh, share your eye contact and do not stand limp. You can do a quick drive-by and say, “Sorry to interrupt, my buddy and I are in an on going argument about what looks sharper on a man, scruff or no scruff. You got to help me out. We need a woman’s point of view.” Bing…women love to give fashion advice and talk about men. Now you are the harmless guy who is seeking their opinion. Then start to have fun and use your charm. Challenge one’s opinion against the other. “Wait, wait , wait…someone’s drinking the kool-aid here! You just changed your mind. Who swayed you…your friend or was it the faint 5 o clock shadow I am struggling to grow?”
After succeeding and failing night in night out whilst working as a promoter for many years in the LA nightlife scene, Christian Anderson gradually formulated a process that helps both men and women gain confidence in themselves and put their right foot forward in this new dating world. Call him your coach, consultant, wingman or guide, Christian is dedicated to helping men and women make the right decisions so they can find a healthy relationship. Follow him on Twitter @LetsTalkDating.
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to pick up an HB10 in a bar, what 3 pointers would you give him?
The first thing a guy needs to do is figure out an intention for the conversation. This means they need to know what their end goal is. This will keep them focused and moving things forward. So, do they want to get her phone number? Try to hook up with her in the bar? Go home with her that night?
Once you decide what your intention is, you now to have to flip your mindset to think “how can I have the most fun with this conversation”.
Because ultimately, when a girl is at a bar (or club) she’s looking to have fun. Fun is what I call “the ultimate currency” which means we always choose to be around the person we have the most fun with. So figure out how you can be THAT GUY.
Using a fun banter line is a great way to spark the “fun vibe.”
However, there are two other ingredients that make up the “Triangle of Temptation.” These ingredients and Connection and Sexuality (along with FUN).
This means while you’re having fun with her, you have to mix in connection and sexuality. Connection means you’re showing her multiple sides of personalty, and learning things about her. Sexuality means that that you’re eliciting a sexual response in her.
When you can do all three of those things… she’s going to want to be around you. She’s going to be the one trying to keep the conversation going. She’s going to be working for your approval. And thats when it gets easy.
Bobby Rio is the founder and Editor in Chief of TSBMag.com, a website rich in dating and lifestyle advice that’s not creepy or weird like a lot of other PUA blogs out there. He made the site in 2005 to put all his years of experience with women in one place and it is has since expanded to become the most famous hub of honest PUA information in the industry. Bobby also created Make Small Talk Sexy, a product that does exactly what it says on the tin and is the co-author of Magnetic Messaging – an eEbook that teaches you the art of texting girls. Check out our Magnetic Messaging Review to see what we made of this amazing phone game product.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(You can start picking up girls tonight)
1) Don’t focus on the outcome – The more and more you focus on “what could happen” or “will she reject me” the more likely it will occur. Beautiful women can tell when you are nervous and the nervousness will stem from your focus on the OUTCOME. Go into the approach just excited to get to know this woman and be present in the interaction.
2) Don’t use a pick-up line! – Instead go up to her and just say something like “hello” or “you looked nice I had to come meet you”. Opinion openers or other lines that guys have been using are cheesy and give you a higher chance of rejection. After the opener branch into normal conversation that will get her interested in who you are as a person.
3) Give her constant eye contact – Eye contact is a great seduction tool. It makes her feel that you’re confident and also makes the interaction 10x more flirty. Hold eye contact with her the entire time you speak. Intense eye contact will also make you appear more dominant which will then make her feel more feminine around you. That’s the goal! You want her to feel feminine because that is what will make her feel sexy and attracted to you.
After realising his life needed a serious makeover, Tripp spent two and a half years going out 3-5 times a week in LA to master the art of attraction. He then put together his own formula for attracting women, holding conversation, escaping the friend zone and living the lifestyle of his choosing. Tripp offers dating advice for men covering confidence, attraction and flirting so they can naturally attract the women they desire. Check out his coaching page to learn how he can help you, and make sure you subscribe to his popular YouTube Channel, like him on Facebook here and follow him on Twitter @trippddvice.
I really hate that question even though I get it all the time. Thats like giving a guy who’s never raced a car before “3 easy tips” on wining a Gran Prix. Ya I could give you tips like, have high value velocity, calibrate, have super solid unwavering “left eye” eye contact and tactically setup the set before hand by social proofing nearby sets. But it won’t matter cause you’re typical new guy will never execute any of this stuff correctly without practice first. And for things to work (aka getting a solid number) you have to be able to be solid for at least 30 mins.
Pickup is a process of overall transformation in what you’re saying, how you’re saying it, who your talking to, and most importantly, why you are doing all those things.
Once you understand the why everything works you can gain unconscious competence and do it all on autopilot. Until you’re say 60% of the way there then “3 tips” won’t help you. I would estimate only 1/20 of men are even remotely ok at actual pickup to the point where a few tips would help them.
A master of kino and one of the most famous PUAs out there, Mehow discovered the world of seduction after attending a bootcamp taught by one of the founders of pick up in 2006. After a series of initial failures, Mehow learned to meet and “close” with beautiful women and began to coach with some of the biggest names in the seduction community. He soon developed his own methodology and launched a number of ground breaking PUA products to help men meet and attract more women. Check out his popular 3 Second Attraction product here and be sure to subscribe to MehowTV on YouTube.
QUESTION: If you could just give 3 brief pointers to a student before he attempts to approach and pick up a girl on the dance floor, what 3 pointers would you give him?
Want to pick up girls on the dancefloor? Here’s a technique that works great for me, even though I can’t dance at all.
I’m a really REALLY bad dancer, since I am tall and awkward. The technique I am sharing with you today has been tested by many bad dancers, including tall, medium and super short guys.
Remember, girls move on and off the dancefloor throughout the night. When they are on the dancefloor, their guard is up, but when they are standing on the side watching, it’s a great time to make them notice you.
Look for a group of girls dancing in a circle. You know, the “stay out, no men allowed” kind of circle.
Next, walk right up to the circle and jump right into the middle. Throw your hands up over your head and start dancing full out.
Reflexively, all the chicks will yell “WOOOOO!” and they will get a spike of energy.
Once you hear the WOOO, grab the closest girl and start dancing with her. Put your arms around her, dip her, spin her, and then tell her “you’re elimidated.”
Now do the same thing to the other 3 girls in the group. Dance, spin, dip, elimidate.
Last step (and this might sound counterproductive, but trust me it works great)- Now walk away from these girls and start talking to the girls who were standing on the outskirts of the dancefloor watching.
The girls in the circle were never the girls you were after, they are just pawns in the game. You create a superstar impression for yourself by attracting them and then ditching them. Then you talk to girls off the dance floor who might have been observing what was going on.
This technique works even for beginners.
Brad P, known for his privacy, has regularly been voted the world’s #1 pick up artist for being infamously successful with women. Early on, Brad made a name for himself by always demonstrating his techniques live for his students in his Underground Dating Seminar. He then released the 30/30 Club – a revolutionary seduction curriculum dubbed the most advanced course to hit the scene. It’s a year long program and even has its own forum. Brad P’s latest project is the Brad P Pickup Mansion in Hollywood, where students can live and learn there from established PUAs directly. Click here to visit his site and check out Brad’s brand new Black-Book method here. (It’s pretty advanced stuff).
If you want to learn how to pickup girls easily watch this:
It’s the fastest way to master pickup.
3 brief pointers for dance floor game:
1) Have fun! Most guys get onto the dance floor and spend their time with blank facial expressions. It’s obvious that they are on the prowl and make their intentions far too apparent, staring at girls instead of focusing on having a good time! SMILE, have fun and girls will come to YOU!
2) Once girls see you are having fun, they will be drawn to you and your energy. THEY will start to stare. Once that happens, you have your IOI. Make eye contact and dance a little closer to her… and closer… and closer until you are close enough that you can introduce yourself by whispering your name in her ear. Once you have done this, go straight back to dancing with your friends (push pull).
3) Go back to her intermittently and this is where KINO comes in. Start with small, quick and gentle touches in appropriate areas (arm, wrist, shoulder), before gradually taking her hands. Have fun with her and perform some playful kino (dancing, spinning her, thumb wars etc.). It’s vital that this kino gradually sexually escalates and eventually you will be able to isolate her.
Josh M is a lead instructor at South Africa’s central hub for pick up – Puasa.co.za. The company runs bootcamps out of Johannesburg, South Africa, with flawless, tried and tested material especially designed for picking up South African girls. PUA SA teaches “Natural Game” where you can develop through practical, field-tested tools and techniques to approach and attract almost ANY girl you desire. The company has a wealth of happy students and they will soon be expanding to run more workshops around the country soon.
Originally trained by Mystery and Matador, Arash Dibazar (aka Achilles) is a martial artist, lifestyle coach and professional pickup artist. He was featured in Neil Strauss’ critically acclaimed book, The Game, and has developed his own unique style of pickup. Arash believes that seduction is an instinct that is present in every man and can be awakened with the right guidance. He is legendary for turning men into alpha male seducers and was voted the best PUA instructor in the community twice in 2012. His YouTube Channel is regularly updated with plenty of fresh, awesome content to help you unleash your seductive instinct.
1) Have a great time dancing with your friends first – if you’re standing around awkwardly, not enjoying the same vibe as everyone else, it’ll be that much more difficult if you do try to talk to a women.
Even if you’re alone, your first step is to dance and enjoy yourself – the point of these types of gatherings in the first place.
Guys shouldn’t do anything too crazy – no need to bust out your moves in the middle of a circle, but you should be moving your body to the beat in a way that feels good for you.
2) Eye Contact. While I’m enjoying myself, I’ll be checking women out (so that they can feel me checking them out) and see if I can “dig” any eye contact out of them. If I get that eye contact returned from a woman (and I don’t look away like I’m afraid) she’s just invited me to come talk to her and I’ll get a positive response 100% of the time.
Don’t be thrown off if a women quickly looks away because she’s nervous, you can relate and it just means she likes you. I’ll keep checking her out and when she peeks back I’ll smile because I just caught her checking me out. Never miss a peek-back!
3) You have to be physically aggressive in these environments. It’s high-energy, high-sensation. If you go up and try to have a nice conversation with her you won’t be giving her the rush of sensation that she wants just then. It’s important that you get VERY close at first, and touch a lot. Use little words, just a quick back and forth of “How’s it going?” before getting closer and dancing.
After you’ve made intense initial contact it’s good to back away, maybe spin her or something, but you should be much closer and more physically aggressive overall.
Over the last five years Nick Sparks has helped hundreds of men achieve the social and dating lives they’ve always dreamed of. He teaches his Sparks of Attraction seduction bootcamp for students he believes all have an innate ability to be social and confident around women. Nick makes it his mission to guide men to find that inner ability and take control of their lives. Watch him seduce this cute girl in an “interview” here and be sure to check out his active Facebook page.
1) You want to get her off the dance floor as quickly as possible (especially if you’re not a great dancer). The dance-floor is a trap and the REAL seduction occurs when you are off the dance floor and can apply all your sexual escalation tools properly.
2) Resist all urges to do the “classic” high-five spin move. What is this 2005!? That move is a bit played now. If you can dance, do it for a few moments, the make up an excuse to move because the last thing you want to do is spend your entire night on the dance floor
3) Better than all of the above, avoid the dance floor in general. Trust me on this, you’ll have far better results anywhere else in the bar than on a crowded, sweaty dance floor. She won’t be dancing all night either. At some point she will go to the bathroom or get a drink. It’s when she’s out and about sauntering through the bar that you stand your best chance.
It should be noted, I’m a shitty dancer…but while those flashy dancers are at best dry-humping some girl on the dance floor that’s eventually going to “feel slutty” for doing that and make up excuses why she has to leave with her friends, I’ll be long gone doing some REAL humping with the girl of my choice.
After years of infield-testing Nick Rogue created the Same Night Seduction System, a system designed for one thing – to turn you into a guy who can walk into a bar and leave with a hot girl on your arm. Nick makes it possible for average guys to hook up with outrageously hot women and take them home the same night by unlocking women’s primal sexual side. Find Nick on Facebook or follow him on Twitter @CharmingRogue.
With dance floor game, which has some of the trickiest logistics out there, you want to give yourself the best odds possible before you’ve approached the girl. Ask yourself these three questions:
Is this my kind of scene?: Not all clubs are built alike. There are house clubs, hip-hop clubs, retro-music clubs and salsa clubs, each with varying music, cover charges, exclusivity and types of women. Make sure you’re going someplace where you’d have fun even if every girl blew you out — that’s going to give you the confidence you need.
Do I have a game plan?: If your club requires getting there early or getting bottle service, you need to plan for that. Think about pregame logistics, such as finding a table to bring girls to, or getting yourself in the right mood with your friends. Ditto for your post-club logistics — if you hope to bounce with a girl or take her home, you’d better know exactly how you’d arrange for that. If you need to drive your friends back home in another city, good luck going back to her place.
Can I dance well at all?: Because let’s face it, you should be able to dance at a dance club. I’m not saying you need to be as good as Usher. But if you can get on a dance floor with your friends with a big smile on your face and confidently move around, the women will take note and gather near you. Then, it’s just a matter of making eye contact and drawing her in. If you can’t dance, ask someone for pointers or just watch some YouTube videos.
Greg K, an ex San Francisco social coach, has saved hundreds of men from social catastrophe and helped them meet plenty of femme fatales along the way. Although mostly retired from coaching these days after a glorious 2? year run, he still occasionally offers live, private instruction to both men and women. Greg is currently cramming his years of experience into a new book about pickup logistics with his fellow ex-instructor Rob Overman. Check out a sample Chapter of his new book here.
HUGE Thanks to all the dating coaches and pickup artists who took part in this interview. You ROCK!
If you want to master your seduction skills you have to click the big blue button below!
Remember to give this post a share if you thought it was cool and make sure you check out the other amazing group interview we ran parallel to this one where 21 Female Dating Experts shared their expert advice on how to attract women!
Oh, and because we learned so much from both this interview and our interview with the female dating experts we decided to create a fun infographic that teaches you how to talk to women and build attraction! It’s fascinating to see how the advice from the girls and boys match up. Click the image below to check this amazing infographic out!
Make sure you like us on Facebook and subscribe to updates in the box below so you don’t miss out on our next group interview!
And if you’d like to share your tips on how to pick up girls in any of the situations above please post your tips in the comments below.
I like the site and what it promotes including the different coaches’ insights accumulated in 1 place.
Hey Kenny, thanks for your support! It has indeed been very interesting to see everyone’s different take on each situation. I think one of the most interesting things (which we didn’t summarise in the article but will do soon) is that 50% of the PUAs and Dating Coaches mentioned it’s best to be direct.
Definitely one of the most interesting articles I’ve come across on picking up women. A lot more suggestions on being natural and direct than I was expecting. Nice! Best takeaway advice:
“Do not be a statistic. 90% of the guys in the room are thinking the same thing you are but will NEVER go over to her, especially if she has a friend. But you are different. You will be part of the 10% and she will respect you just for being apart of that sliver of the male population. “
Awesome post! It’s great seeing so many different perspectives from coaches who know what they are talking about. You definitely need to have fun on the dance floor because the girls will see if you are enjoying yourself a mile away and get turned off. Dancing with your own friends can help boost your state. I like Brad P.’s technique to jump in the dance circle to get a boost.
I love the dance floor because it can be a great way to get some rapid escalation and get a kiss close quickly. I enjoy dancing, but I don’t want to spend too much time on the dance floor. Maybe 1 or 2 songs tops and then I will bring her to the side and start qualifying her to get more investment and figure out her logistical situation.
[…] 31 Pickup Artists Reveal How To Pick Up Girls in 7 Situations (Pickup Metrics) […]
[…] standpoint, this makes it worthy of attention. The other curiosity is also how Mystery manages to pick up women looking like a mad hatter at a rave. Or, as one astute reader of the VH1 Blog observed, […]
[…] To some extent, you can see why. With techniques like what I quoted above, and some of the awful advice that comes from some PUAs, it’s easy to dismiss pickup and seduction arts. I’ve done my share of lurking on PUA sites and have been pretty disgusted at some of the misogynistic attitudes and/or stupid advice; however, I’ve also seen some sites that dispense good advice and help men to develop the confidence and skills to pick up women. […]
[…] of this article, and the point I think she’s trying to make, is that guys get all goofy on advice from dating coaches or pickup artists (there IS a difference) and then they go around acting completely inauthentic and creepy around […]
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Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?
I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends. I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?
Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:
You will not find it unless you do something differently.
You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.
It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.
What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?
Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:
“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”
They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”
No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all аbout:
Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.
Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.
So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.
As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.
It’s called Match.com, it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.
…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.
I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.
You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.
There a couple of things one can do to meet people, particularly if over 40. 1) Get out of your routine. Eat out, grab coffee, and hang out at different places each week. Go to any party you're invited to, join clubs with people who do what you like to do, volunteer, get involved socially. 2) Online date, as Evan said. As a dating coach, I know that people resist it because they're scared to try something so unfamiliar to them. But it's like anything else – there's a way to do it successfully, and it's a great way to meet people you wouldn't normally meet.
I have spent the last 11 years living in a big city and doing all of the things you suggest. I believe firmly in getting out of my comfort zone and in a sense, I am comfortable making myself uncomfortable. None of that has worked. Most of my interests are those that should be male dominated. (I like to build and remodel. I like baseball, I like kayaking, skiing, hiking, etc) All I have found is that I meet other women like myself who can’t meet anyone. And now that I’ve hit 40, online dating elicits contact from men who are 10+ years my senior (at best) because men my age are typically only interested in women 10 years younger than them. Or, if they are my age, they’re divorced with kids and so disillusioned by relationships that they don’t want either marriage or kids ever again. The parties I get invited to now are toddler birthday parties. My single friends don’t even have other single friends. While I think in theory that your advice is good, I have found that in practice, it is not me, it genuinely is them.
Tina, this has been my experience as well. I studied every site on how to create a profile that does not attract the creeps, how to be positive, and how to date successfully. Yet most of the men, even on paid sites, turned out to be completely disordered and hiding behind technologically to establish the initial connection in order to get their latest victims hooked. And yes they are mostly disillusioned and covertly bitter. My last date continually lied about wanting a relationship and being single when in reality, he was actually living with someone! So I will continue to try and meet people, both women friends and men in real life, but online dating is definitely not the cure-all as can be seen through a Google search for “why online dating doesn’t work”. Here’s to a rich, full life for both of us in whatever form that takes, whether with a partner or not. ¦
Yep same experience here too! It seems to be an impossible world for a 40 something successful, educated woman of value….Why is that?
Oh, wow, that’s EXACTLY my experience! I guess I’m not alone…
You are spot on, Tina. And you get a lot of guys who are on the rebound on dating sites, too.
I understand these frustrations. I’m younger (36 now) but went through a lot of the same thing when I dated online (getting contacted by much older people I had zero interest in, seeing the men I did want chasing younger women, etc.) But I also met my boyfriend on there, and he was more than worth the wait. The quality prospects might not be as plentiful as you’d like, but they are out there. I also know 40-something women who find boyfriends and even husbands online, so I know it must be possible.
As for divorced people, I wouldn’t necessarily assume they’re disillusioned just from being divorced. Another former colleague of mine got divorced not just once, but twice (and they sound like ugly divorces, not even amicable ones). She still managed to find true love with her third husband now.
And this third one had two divorces under his belt too. The second one was like something out of a TV movie of the week. One day he came home and the closets were just cleaned out, with no trace of her. The only contact she made with him afterwards was to serve the divorce papers. They both had more than enough reason to have gotten disillusioned and given up on love, with four nasty divorces between them! However, now they’re happy as can be with each other. If they could get past their bad experiences to find love, anyone could. Don’t give up yet!
As a 35 year old seeking someone over 40, doesn’t matter if they have kids, but have to still be open to having them, I would feel extremely lucky to be contacted by “uninteresting” older guys. Unfortunately, I only get contacted by guys that are under 30 online… way opposite prob.
Fitness is important, but it’s possible to still have abs in your late forties, right? Anyway, I googled how to find a single man in his forties, and this was the #1 result so I thought I would comment.
I’m 44 and have never been married, but always wanted to be and still have faith that I will. Sometimes, though I get frustrated and want to give up – Why not me! All I want is an educated, confident, loving, sweet guy who loves Jesus, nature and enjoys being a goofball too! LOL! Reading your post gives me some hope that my lifelong dream could actually come true. I pray to God that after waiting my whole life I’ll finally meet him – it’s time and I deserve it just like everyone else!
Wow! I could not have said that better. I have had the exact same experience. I believe it is them also. I am in awe with the victim mentality and the hostility towards woman. I also like outdoor activities and I’m in great shape and I have went out of my comfort zone. The dating sites are horrible. I get the exact same thing, men way too old or men only looking for sex. I have gotten plenty of dates but I end up stuck foo an hour listening to them bash their “Crazy” exes. I am unwilling to go on a second date. There just has to be a better way to meet a half way decent man then the dating sites.
I’ve had exactly the same e xperience – met many guys, went on many dates. Twice I thought ok I’d found someone. The first was divorced and disillusioned …..didn’t want a serious relationship even though he claimed to at the beginning. The second was the worst – he was almost perfect then one day said …. “I can’t be in a relationship, I’m afraid of losing my freedom, maybe I’m single inside ….”
I’m still meeting guys mainly from online sites but I’m losing my optimism ….
Same experience. Disillusioned men who can’t commit or way too old. This article seems to miss the point. The majority of men on dating sites are NOT looking for what women are looking for– I note the only positive comment on here was from a woman in her 30s. She doesn’t get how much it changes post 40 when your choice between commitmentphobes and old men. If you meet someone organically, you can only hope his motives are different.
Same experience here. Except I’m a 45 yr old man possibly looking to date. I’m having the same trouble. It’s like…where is everyone? It can’t be just me.
i am male 44 and been single for 10 yrs i tried dating sites and couldnt get a date lol
Hi yea where is everybody lol
yes loneliness can kill u ar righ of ur saying at times u need someone to talk to but u find no one yes yes its a big killer
Yes! Same experience for me as well! I tried writing different profiles an it’s been 6yrs now. I get men that are older than me. I try to politely declined saying I have a young father and it’s just weird to me. Well it doesn’t go over to well. I look young for my age, an that doesn’t even help. The best part of all was when I got a stalker! I had to go to court an everything! I’m glad I’m not alone. It helps to see that theirs not something wrong with me. My friends give advice saying your not putting yourself out their…ha really! Speaking from a person that got the only available bachelor in church. Good luck to all of you. Were not alone.
Exactly. I’m 40, all of my friends are married and/or have kids, so they can’t ever do anything because they either have a baby or they’re shuttling teenagers around. I don’t go to church. I work in an industry that is monopolized by women. I have volunteered for a few groups, but every man I met was seeing someone or married or gay, or they just weren’t interested in me.
I have done online dating on and off for 15 years. When I was younger, I met a lot of people that way, but now that I’m a little older, I find that the only men who answer or make contact with me are over 60 or under 25. Most of them don’t have anything to say, or they have kids and can’t do anything, or they’re thugs or unemployed alcoholics with PTSD, or rabid Trump fans. I’ve found that a lot of men don’t pay for the memberships, so they can’t send messages to initiate a conversation. I’m not scared to meet people online, but it’s a bit discouraging when the only prospects who are interested in you are old, paunchy, divorced/widowed men with kids or young unemployed thugs who just want a cougar.
I’m not sure where this magical online dating place is where truly wonderful people are just waiting to meet, but it’s not on POF, match.com, matchmaker.com, chemistry.com, or any of the other half dozen sites I belong to.
As I read your response I had to double check it wasn’t me who wrote it several yearsago. Everything you said I’ve been through.
Sadly you are right! I can’t remember the last time I met a guy who was single! I have lots of male friends, I am part of a running club, I am even in the military but still all I meet is married, attached or gay guys. As a child of the 70’s I am convinced there was a boom in girls (apparently of the 17 babies born in my hospital 16 were girls) so sadly the numbers are against us. And by the way I also has lots of single female friends going through this too. I have tried online dating though and often found guys my ages wanted women 20/30 years old. I am not trying to be doom and gloom here but it is a bit patronising to assume we’re not trying to find guys they just don’t exist!
I understand how you feel. I’m 34 and men want women in their early 20’s I lost hope. I rather stay single
Absoulty true for me as well. Men in their 40s want younger women. Also I just don’t find 95% of them physically attractive. This notion that men age better than women is a farce. Most men in their 40s these days look as if they’re in their 50s and 60s to me. Add in the baggage and children and it’s a huge no for me!
So you’d only consider the best-looking 5%, or even fewer of us once kids are mentioned?
Lol so absolutely true! I’m a 50 yr old female and I find most men in my age bracket old looking. People naturally assume I will be dating men 55-61 but many of these men are “grandfatherly” looking to me. Just 6 months ago I was carded by a young guy when I tried to purchase the lottery. I asked him why I needed to show him ID. He told me he wanted to ensure that I was over 19! Ok, maybe he’s a really poor judge when it comes to a woman’s age. But generally I get mistaken for someone in my mid 30s. There is no way I will be attracted to someone who looks 50. Sorry just my 2 cents.
Oh my word I know exactly what you mean. I love in hope but honestly some of the odd people I’ve spoken to on there is ridiculous. I recently had a man message me about meeting up. We agreed a date, time and venue and the next messages he wrote to me were about how many bodies he had seen of his family and that he was depressed and was better off in a relationship.
I am a male in his mid 40’s and also single. I would like to say I have to agree with you about men ageing better than women. It’s completely B.S.
But, I believe a key factor why we’re all single is in something you said. You feel men past 40 look like they’re in their 50’s or older and are not attracted to 95% of them. Unfortunately, alot of men feel the same of women. That’s why they tend to try and find a relationship with younger females. Also at our age it is really hard to find someone without baggage and children. I guess to a degree we need to all learn to get past physical appearances or just learn to be comfortable being single.
I hope you find your soulmate soon if you haven’t already. Take care ??
My experience exactly. I’m now 60, divorced at 40. Since my divorce, I met one “eligible” bachelor who died of a sudden heart attack soon after asking me to marry him. Fortunately, I’ve had my career and friends to keep me busy. I do volunteer work, joined the Rotary club, joined a church singles group, go on meetups, ballroom dance, have done the online dating thing etc. etc. Up until four years ago, I had my dad to help me out. I was devastated when he died, because he was my best friend and confidant.
I’m really interested in life extension, and fortunately I’ve made enough money that I can afford some of the more extreme measures, which actually seem to work. I’m smart, slender, and have been called “gorgeous” even at 60. I take dance, aerobic, and yoga lessons throughout the week.
Everyone I meet thinks of someone they would like to set me up with. Unfortunately, that someone is usually a dedicated bachelor who is one hundred pounds overweight, and does not want any woman in his life, at least not on a permanent basis. (I believe they all do one-night stands.)
When I was in my 20’s I was so desirable, I was always involved in a relationship.
Now men won’t even look me in the eye. There are so many women in the same boat, it’s scary, and I try to convince myself that it’s going to be all right to be alone for the rest of my life. But it isn’t. It’s not ok. It’s horrifying to think I might have 20 more years of this, or worse.
One has to think that, were the situation reversed, with men having the same problem, the men of the world would have figured out a solution to the problem. It’s sad to think that no one wants a middle-aged woman, no matter how accomplished, how smart, or how beautiful.
Sometimes I think it’s because men are addicted to porn, and so their standards are impossible. I don’t know how to solve the problem. Some women go the “husband sharing” route. I’ve refused to go down that path, at least to a point. But there are times when I need to bend an ear, and, usually the person who will listen to me is an old boyfriend, now married.
I could make a ton of money off of lonely middle-aged women if I wanted to be a coach.
The only advice I can offer is to do the things I’ve done as substitutes for the real thing and don’t expect miracles. See this part of your life as an opportunity to do the things you’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t because you were tied down.
I agree totally! As a 40 year old who still holds out hope of getting married and having a family, I find that men 15+ years older than me contact me in the hopes of getting a trophy wife and men in their 20s contact me wanting to have a “cougar” experience (though I think the 40s only qualify me as a “puma”!). I feel completely invisible to the educated, available men in my age range. While I get it… they are looking at me thinking “I want to have a family, she may be too old…”, I want to scream that all my parts are still working! It is beyond frustrating. While it helps to know that there are others in the same boat, I fear that there will be a whole generation of us who miss out on the full version of the life we imagined…
Online is a waste of time, and Match.com makes you pay to send or read your messages. I could be sending heartfelt, long and meaningful messages to someone who can’t even read them. Online is also full of people who are narcissistic, who want to put in their preferences, (i.e someone in ___ age range, with ____ hair color, _____ eye color, taller than x’ x”, who earns at least $—–. ) I am sorry that I fell half inch short or three thousand dollars too poor for you. Of course, since you’re online you must be rather desperate yourself, maybe time to change your expectation. People online never want to meet in person, they mainly want to email, look at photos and fantasize.
I’ve joined several dating sites but eventually deleted my profiles. I tried datings, not that i’m desperate or a narcissist but because i became curious if i could attract somebody from another culture from the other side of the world. but i guess dating sites are not for me.
I tried on line dating for quite a while. I am a woman, a little older, never married and no children. I am positive there is one man out there for me.
That said, my on line dating experience was so demoralizing I stopped doing it after 3 years.
I posted lots of personal details and beautiful photos of myself and got MANY replies from unsuitable men (married, lived in another state or country, way to young, looked very unhealthy). I just deleted my profile.
I had a few dates, a few broken dates, a few phone calls with/from men that were definitely not interested in actually meeting, men who were interested only in sex. The list goes on.
I am sure if I left my profile on there long enough and searched long enough I would have met a man. But after three years of demoralizing experiences I gave up with on line dating.
I met one nice man on line. We ended up as friends. He found a nice woman on line that he really hit it off with. He was the only really genuine, nice, single man I met in 3 years who was actually interested in having a real relationship and was physically healthy.
I’ve been stood up, had men lunging at me, lying about their marital status, etc. I just got tired of displaying nice pictures of myself and details about my age. No man in real life ever asks me my age – except my doctor. I make it clear that I cannot provide them with a child. That seems to be the most pertinent fact.
It seems to me that if a woman cannot provide a child, men expect that she can provide carefree sex (they call it casual sex) and a non commital relationship. That is not the page I am on. The guys seem to want sex, kids or money.
Most did not seem to be seeking a meaningful relationship. It was rough. My ego took a real bruising so I quit.
I liked one of the suggestions one commentator left about meet up groups. That seems like a nice, activity oriented way to meet new people in a group setting. Still about as much of a crap shoot as on line dating, but at least I am not posting lots of personal photos on line. I became very uncomfortable doing that.
You’re right about that look at photos and fantasize thing. I get tired of people asking for more and more photos when I am trying to get to know them online. I always put photos with my profiles, but goodness! I don’t sit around taking selfies all day or go around asking people to take pictures of me all the time! LOL. You’re right about folks having all these very specific characteristics outlined for the person he/she is trying to find too. I once had a man who was just out of his mind (he proceeded to tell me about how he would go about killing himself if he committed suicide) give me this whole laundry list of things he liked about me (beautiful face, beautiful hair, very smart, etc.) but then said that he was only interested in women who were about a size 10! LOL.
You don't have to pay to date, either – I've never used them but Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid are both free, I think. So is Meetup, and that might be a better way to just get involved with activities that you enjoy without it creating the kind of pressure/fear that the LW is experiencing currently. Even joining some mixed-gender groups revolving around an activity will increase her social base, and they may be able to set her up with "pre-screened" folks.
Here she may mean Lone Woman.
I would be curious to know why she finds online dating "scary" — that's a very specific word — is she afraid that someone will stalk and harm her? Or is it she's more "embarrassed" to have a picture/profile up / that people she knows might see her online….
Online dating is scary especially if you are H female. My online dating experiences have given me a bunch of messages from men that I would never give a second glance at. One of them I recognized from him being arraigned for family violence. (I am an attorney.) I recognized him by his lovely neck tattoo. I also received plenty of cheesy pick up lines and I love how all of the old men find me appealing. I am not looking for an old man or a sugar daddy. My first date was lovely. My date was offended and elected to attempt to insult me when I didn’t want to sleep with him. He changed when I actually met him. I did google and research him. I don’t wish my experiences on anyone else but I regret paying for this experience. I also have to add that I already knew most of the decent guys that were online.
Gywnn, I hate to be that pessimistic female, but I am. I endured your exact experiences 8 years ago, when I gave up. I got lots of interest from older men. After dating 6 or 7 different guys for very brief periods of time, I gave up when the last one got angry with him for not sleeping with him after 2 weeks.
My experiences were very similar. I tried all the major online dating sites for years. I’ve had a few not ver long term relationships come out of them, and all of them I realized, sooner or later, were not for me. I tried to keep an open mind and I wrote positive profiles, but I finally decided that the vast majority of men my age who were doing online dating, were either uninterested in or unready for a serious relationship. I have yet to meet that guy. I gave up on online dating because there are way too many playboys and wounded animals to try to weed out. I’d rather meet men in a no-expectations setting and get to know them first, while doing things I enjoy, than spending that time making just dating a major hobby.
I whole heartedly agree with your statement Q. Hatsheput! I can’t stand how well meaning therapists and friends insist that the best way to meet guys is online. No I do not agree with that sentiment I would rather live my life and have love find me organically. I have tried it in the past and realized it wasn’t for me.
I also am against on line sites as a way to meet people. I have attempted them all and ALL of the connections I had with men went consistently like this: Text and talk for about 2-4wks, set up an agreed day/time/place to meet and either they stood me up or assumed we were meeting for a ‘date’ to decide whose home we would be having sex at. Christian Mingle and POF by far were the worst! Be afraid, very afraid!
I have met the most unChristian men on ChristianMingle!! Don’t get me started!
Your assessment is right on the money! Those “Christian” dating sites ARE scary. I find that most of the guys on there are looking for Bible Barbie and/or are bigger perverts than the guys on “regular” dating sites. No thanks!
It’s strange how the topic of being “stood up” is not discussed very often when it’s so common for internet dates. Even if you talk on the phone and confirm a date on the day of the date, people don’t show up or they send you a last minute text. It’s frustrating and embarrassing too. To make matters worse, some of these losers will keep sending you messages after they flake out.
Well, David I can’t speak for anyone specific but I think I can generally speaking it’s scary for women to draw men in we don’t know. Men are stronger physically and that thought of physical overpowering is something we subconsciously consider. We want men that are going to use their strength to protect, not over power us. If we get the wrong emotional connection and can’t get rid of him in a healthy way we have to deal with stalking or scared he might try something. I need to sleep at night and if I’m putting my pic and profile up I want to feel safe.some men say strange things online later as you go along and there are moments when you regret or wonder if you gave him too much info. We need to protect ourselves and that instinct is always in us. That’s why men have to prove so much to us. We need to feel like you are normal! Everyone is strange until proven normal really. Anyone can be online. So bear with us and understand we need to be cautious. Your job is to be patient with gaining our trust, don’t take it personal because we hear the same things over and over, and don’t push us. Make us feel safe and honor when we are or aren’t ready for phone or meeting. It’s not personal, a girl just wants to keep her privacy until she feels safe.
Its easy access , for already attatched people , some are always looking for extra , i suppose already attatched are never happy , or they would not be on there. Do not see the point being somewhere where you need to look elsewhere as well. How about accepting the norm instead of looking for what becomes the norm anyway. Ooh thats scary.
Scary, as in murder and physically hurting me. In today’s world how can you know someone can be trusted?
David – I can't speak for LoriAnn, but as for myself (55, widowed), the scary of online dating for me is about personal safety. I couldn't care less if someone I knew saw my profile. (I guess that's one of the advantages of self confidence that comes with age – no fear of making a fool of yourself!)
I agree with Evan that you need to get over your fear of online dating! I was divorced after being married for 22yrs and online dating helped me ease back in to dating. I got to know a lot of different men and it was fun emailing and chatting. I think in any type of situation you have to be careful because you can meet someone who will be deceptive in some way. I find online dating to be safe because you can ask those uncomfortable questions about who a person is, in the safety of your own space. I won't meet any man who won't give me his last name and where he works, phone number, etc. I then google them just to see if something pops up. Most good men understand a single woman has to be extra careful. Those that don't, they don't get a date with me! Always meet in a public place a few times before you feel comfortable. If you still don't want to take the plunge, pick up some classes with a hobby you have wanted to get into. Be open and carry yourself in a way that makes you approachable. But really think more about getting Evan's help. He has truly helped me in many ways, to understanding relationships. Good luck!
No offense Cindy, but reading your post reminded me of some women I dated, and they were absolutely horrible relationships.
Also, your little detective work would screw you out of some great guys if you are too harsh. I can totally understand if the guy pops up with a history of violence or drug arrests, but my friend is a member of a not so exclusive club. See, many men here in Florida get a restraining order put on them. It pretty much goes like this…women here often use them as power plays. Men with no history of violence end up with them. Biggest reason is that they don’t think they need to get a lawyer. Without a lawyer, a judge will almost always grant it.
Here’s the worst part. For a long time, the state used to hold both parties accountable to the order. Not anymore. The lawyers got the State’s Attorney’s office to stop prosecuting the women when the order was violated. Why? Because when they know they won’t get prosecuted, they turn the guy in. What happens a lot is the woman asks for a restraining order. A woman who issues them said it is the most abused section of the law. So she asks for it, and the guy either doesn’t fight it, or doesn’t get a lawyer. Most guys don’t realize how serious hey are.
OK, so a six month, or 1 year order may be in place. But after a couple of months, the woman makes contact, if it takes that long. The couple then start meeting on the sly. Dumb move for the guy, but many do it, trying to patch up a marriage or relationship. Anyway, at some point, the woman gets mad again, and when she does, she calls the cops on him. Guys have been arrested with the woman in his car. Doesn’t that sound dumb? Why arrest the guy when she got into his car? Or his apartment? Yet it happens.
One of the women I had a short relationship with was like that. She was always checking up on me. And the thing is, if she had any kind of suspicion, she would never just come out and ask. She would try to beat around the bush. Why? Because she didn’t believe a guy would just be honest with her. For instance, one of her friends claimed that I hit on her. The truth? I did not. This other girl is a known trouble maker. She likes drama. Needs drama. She probably knew how my girlfriend was so suspicious and thus wanted to throw her in a tizzy. Well instead of just coming to me and asking me, she asked all of these weird questions trying to trip me up. It took weeks before I found out what she was up to. The thing is, I had verifiable proof as to where I was when I was supposedly hitting on her friend. But this was a pattern with her. And the worst part was, the only thing she would ever really believe was a negative finding. In other words, I am sure she always wondered if I really had hit on her friend. Had I told her I had, she owuld have believed that, even with the evidence that I could not have. So she was always digging, always playing detective. Good lord was it ever a nightmare.
I was laughing while reading this plea for all the innocent men that wind up with restraining orders through absolutely no fault of their own.
Sad that you think women are so gullible. You sound exactly like the type of person that should be avoided completely. Your extensive knowledge of the process leads me to believe you’ve been there, done that.
The process is not the same in every state, and there is a lot of proof to what he said. It is true that both parties are not held to the order, which is crazy. Have you never known people that went through this? I have seen that where women I know have taken out restraining orders and then later, start contacting him, and go to meet with him. In fact, more often than not, the guy will insist that if she wants to meet, it has to be at his place, or his car, because he is under the false assumption that this gives him standing if they are caught together, or if she tries to get him arrested for violating the order.
Yes there are cases where both men and women legitimately need protective orders against the other person, but there are many who do it as a way to gain the upper hand in a divorce, or some other situation.
I do have a friend who works in this system, where the order is applied for, and she said it is ridiculous how often this is abused. But, she said the reason it happens is because too many people take it lightly. Big deal, a restraining order. Their attitude is that they don’t want to spend a bunch of money on a lawyer for something so trivial, but it’s not trivial. It is far more than just an official order telling you to stay away from somebody you may want to stay away from anyway. And in this information age, it is only going to get worse.
If you think I am lying, go sit in a court where they award these restraining orders. You may have 100 to 200 people there, responding to an summons, but it is a good day if even a half dozen have a lawyer. And my friend told me that with a lawyer, most of the orders would not be granted. A lawyer knows what to ask, to prove that it is BS, and a lawyer knows the law, and what is and is not allowed. Not to mention that it is somewhat of a country club deal. The DO want it to be worth it to hire the lawyer. You aren’t going to get justice on the cheap.
I totally agree with that sounding like he has fist hand knowledge of restraining orders..He sounds like the stalker I had.. well I mean that’s exactly what he would say. 6% of the population has individuals with sociopathic tendencies. My advice, date wisely, listen to your inner spirit and red flags-
I understand there’s a certain amount of men who become victims, out of ignorance they get in trouble and don’t fight it, but reading what you said is exactly what the guy who went to prison for many years on do.esti violence. An order is an order, no matter how much you claim he was manipulated. One arrest may be excused but don’t let this example fog true issues and red flags. Stalkingredients and violation of restraining orders, in my opinion are nothing to ignore…it raises questions and people (*any gender) can and will minimize it. You will want to know if they take responsibility or continental to “minimize” or blame it on the other.
I agree with Carol. You sound like the Puppet Master of Drama. You seek out unstable woman. The whole story boils down to she didn’t trust you and the relationship should have ended there. You take no responsibility. The attorney is not talking about drama in an established relationship that you chose to continue. She is talking about single woman making smart safe choices. Men do not get date rapped, stalked, or murdered. You do not fear that. Woman fear that.You have no clue speaking out about something you know nothing about. if someone put a false restaining order out on me, they would never see or hear from me again…..period. if you even had a clue about abused woman than you might underdtand why one would get a restraining order against an animal and then choose to stupidly go back. They go back because they have no where else to go and abuse is all they know. It doesnt mean it didn’t happen.
I think looking for ways to expand your social circle is just as practical, if not more productive than online dating. Take classes, join fitness groups, find the community social events, get involved in a fundraiser, crash AA meetings (KIDDING), learn to golf, join a country club, if you have a dog, make friends at the dog park. DOn't just focus on meeting men, or even friends, just try to make more social acquiantances and expand your social world. And if your kids find anyone cool to try to make a match with, give it a shot – they will screen out the weirdos!
@Victoria – Hey, have you ever heard about the serial killer who preys on 55-year-old women that he met on Match.com?
Serial killer, no – but certainly plenty of abusive, sexually driven or just plain creepy men! While I would not advocate living by fear, and common sense will help to screen potential dates, to make a comment like Evan – that implies that there is no rational basis for fearing online dating – is both judgmental and wrong.
One is more likely to die in a car accident than from an aviation accident. Should one then sell one’s car and only find jobs within walking distance or instead fly to work every day?
I dont find it scary in a safety sense. You have to be smart, meet at a coffee shop, make sure your car is right in front, etc. It’s doubtful the guy is there to follow you home and murder you. Lol. Really doubtful. There is a difficult part though, in that, if you don’t have great looks, or willing to go out with men a lot older than you, it’s going to be rough. No matter how great your profile is, its initially about the photo. So, if you’re average, like me, you’re in a pool of thousands of average women, and yes, average men too, but they are generally looking for younger women. The odds are not great. There is also the fade-off that I experience 10 times out of 10. Well actually I havent had 10 connections to speak of but..The interest, then not interested. I keep my profile up, but I dont expect much!
Actually, there is a true story on Investigation Discovery about a woman in her 50’s that met a man on Match.com. Yes, Match.com and they use it right in the reenactment. She didn’t like him, didnt want to go on a second date so he stalked her and beat her to death. She lived for a few hours before she died alone in her own garage. Woman need to be safe and make smart choices. That doesn’t mean not dating or putting yourself out there to meet new people. It just means smart, safe choices. If someone gives you bad vives, go with it and forget about being nice and polite. I am glad this is a big joke to you Evan. Try to understand where woman come from and be respectful. Men can very easily over power us. Not all men have good intentions.
I understand that online dating can be scary, but it doesn't have to be! If you met a stranger in line at the grocery store, you'd likely meet him in public places on dates until you were comfortable having him in your home or going to his. The same rules apply in on line dating! Your instincts shouldn't change no matter where you meet a man. Usually, unless you meet someone through work or friends (and in each case, you'd have some frame of reference about who this man is), the first several dates are usually in public.
Just as you have met men who made you uncomfortable while you were moving about in your everyday life, should you meet someone on line who makes you uncomfortable, you have options of getting him out of your life. The nice thing about match.com is that if a guy is causing you concern, you can report him and you can block him from being able to read your profile and/or contact you from the site.
At the end of the day, it is about keeping your wits about you and staying tuned into what your gut is telling you about the guy. A strategy that I've used that has served me well is that I text at least two friends to give them the guy's first and last name, his phone number and the name of the place we are meeting and the time that we are meeting. This has worked wonderfully!! As women, we can always excuse ourselves to go to the restroom and if there is a problem with the date, you can phone a friend or text a friend, or if you are having a great time (which you probably will after being coached by Evan), you can send a text to your friends or family saying you are fine and that you are having a great time!!
If I am uncomfortable on the date, at the end of the date, rather than letting the guy walk me to my car, I will say my goodbye to him (and let him know it was nice meeting him) inside the restaurant and say that I have to use the bathroom or pick up something at the grocery store next door and I will talk to him later.
The take home message here is to come up with a plan for your safety and you will be just fine. Also, if you spend some time getting to know him on the phone (a few conversations) over the course of several days before you actually meet, you will get a pretty good feel for him!! Go for it and see what happens!!
@7: This is the argument for online dating? “It’s unlikely that you’ll get murdered by a serial killer”?
Loriann! All the prior responses to mine have had great ideas. Mostly I everyone including Evan is saying just get out there….it can happen anywhere at any time. There are no specifics unfortunately. I definitely have discovered that myself. Mara was so right. Hang in there there are alot of us in the same boat. Online dating is foreign to alot of us. Eventually you will find your way through. Give it a try and if you don't like it then just stop. I have been on Plenty of Fish and numerous others. Plenty of Fish I have stuck with…meeting some nice gentlemen. Give it a try…just be smart and wise about who and where to meet….The normal guy off the street could also be a threat but you don't that right off the bat right? Same thing with online dating. Relax, enjoy meeting people everywhere. ??
eHarmony seems decent for less experienced daters who need alot of hand-holding. But there are so many other dating sites out there though, and there are Meetups and dating clubs. Personally, I think that being new in town is a great lead-in for a profile. You could write a catchy headline based on being the "new kid on the block", looking for someone to show you the city!
I have an over-40 friend who won't do online dating because it feels too "artificial". She'll occasionally go to a meet-up or an event she's interested in, but basically, she just doesn't date at all.
Online dating can be fine depending on where you live. eg if you live in Australia and are on a site that is US based you will most likely be knocked out by most matches on location.
Re online dating being scary – I once took another friend with me when I caught up with the guy – I think he thought it a bit wierd but I am still unsure why. We are more comfortable around friends and meeting somewhere public for coffee especially with another friend seems wise. Others I know,male and female, just do it more subtley, have friends just happening to be in the same place or sitting a few tables away.
Places to meet – anywhere that interests you… just meander, take it slowly. Make eye contact. Stop and smell the roses. Smile and laugh – that will attract the men to you.
My last month’s theme was on Guy Magnet: Attract Love!
This dynamic between how men approach online dating is very interesting to me. Mens attitude is basically whats the big deal? Lets meet and see if we have chemistry. For some women, it just seems like dating online is such a big deal, such a big commitment. Its coffee and conversation, not marriage! Relax, use common sense, and have fun. Dating should be fun.
I agree that dating should be fun. I am in my 40’s and have mostly attracted younger men since my divorce but even men my age seem to expect sex immediately. This is fine if that is what you both want but I hate guys who pretend to “like you” and “want to get to know you” when all they really want is to hook up. I can respect a man that just says that up front more than one who pretends he wants more. Although I do not do “hook ups” nor do I go out with someone looking for marriage. I would love to meet someone and just go out, get to know each other, have fun and not feel like I’m going to be expected to sleep with them just because they bought me dinner. If the chemistry is there and both want a sexual relationship then that’s fine but sometimes just getting to know someone and like the above post said, just having fun would be nice.
Angela i have really liked your advise,
I just canceled my Plenty Of Fish account. The software wouldn't let me update my profile unless I provided Plenty Of Fish with information about income.
The owner of the site decided he needed that information for a matching function he created and he is cutting features off for POF members who do not provide that information.
Well, I also met a perfect woman on-line, least that is what I thought. I suspect very strange reactions when she tried hard to convince who she was. Then I caught her mistakes. I played with her how far she could go with lies. I still don’t know who she is, why she wants to play with others hearts. I still do not know where I can find single woman. Volunteer, extra activities, going park, you do not have time to do if you have children at home. Wake up 6:00 am, send kids to school 7:00, work until 5:00 pm, diner at 6:30 pm. I could not find any extra time to do, so I turned on-line dating service. On-line dating service is necessary evil. I will be optimistic and hope to find right woman someday, but don’t know how.
I’ve always read that you should introduce a potential partner to your friends to see what they think. I agree with you that it doesn’t have to be one on one until you feel comfortable. I hear all this talk about instant chemistry which is great but I still want to like you. How you interact with my friends and other people does matter. Men are very visual by nature so they are primarily interested in how we look initially. What they do not underdtand is that it takes us woman a while to decide if we even like them. They have to make an effort and invest in us first. It seems like the men on dating sites, only want a hookup and no effort on their part. I think you are smart. Do what makes you comfortable and is fun for you. The great thing about it is if the date sucks, you do not like him, you can still hang out with your friend and have fun. You ddidn’t waste an outfit or getting fixec up.
Kinda makes you wonder why anyone who's familiar enough with Evan would email him THIS question?? When we all know as should anyone that's even vaguely familiar with this site what the answer is. Unless you have a bar or bars that specifically caters to an over 40 crowd like we used to have for 10 yrs in my area before it closed you have to do internet dating.
Like Evan said by the end of your first full day on Match.com you'll have 75-100 guys wanting to take you out for a drink.Let's ask all the guys on here,which one of us wouldn't cut off a testicle just to have those numbers to be possible for men? Oh yeah,and you'll probably never have to pull out your wallet.
On a different note I've noticed a lot of people in our area are using Meetup.com groups as a low pressure way to "meet people and mingle" without the pressure of going one on one and actually dating per se. You just join a "Meetup group" that has your interests and go hang out when they have a get together.You can see pics of all the people in the group on each site but people don't say any stats about themselves like a noraml dating site ie: age,height,weight,income and marital status that we've all come to love. Many people that are of Match,POF,Yahoo etc…. are in at least 1-5 Meetup groups as well.
"Where do you go to meet someone at my age?"
"So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don't know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?"
"I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!)."
"What do single people do at 40 and over?"
I won't meet any man who won't give me his last name and where he works, phone number, etc.
I mean, *I* wouldn't answer similar questions about myself to someone I haven't even met yet!
Why do you need to know where he works? Are you going to tell him where you work?
I don’t tell people who I have just met where I work or how to contact me there.
Ok- what you're talking about- groups of singles hanging out, is different from what I thought you were saying. I totally agree with that. I thought you meant bringing girlfriends along on dates with guys- as in, like a 'chaperone' from Jane Austen novels.
I every thing about about this page is interesting
I've been doing online dating on and off for almost a decade now, and never once have I felt that I was in danger, nor, I might add, have I ever taken the precautions some here describe.
So you been doing online dating on and off for a bout a decade? You haven’t found any good guys or serious relationships have you? There’s a reason they go on there, they’re either creeps looking for they’re next prey or complete losers who can find a real woman.You’ll never know what the person is about or if you can completely TRUST them from online dating.Who knows what they were doing on there while talking to you or if they even stopped after dating in person.And forget about if if your are christian looking for a christian man.Impossible!
I tend to think of online dating as the most efficient. I met my wife online (our social circles would never have crossed otherwise). Her two oldest daughters met their husbands online. Her youngest daughter met her boyfriend (probably husband next year) online. I am constantly running into people who met their spouse/S.O. online. You can’t ignore personal safety concerns, but there is too much opportunity online to let yourself be paralyzed by them.
I appreciate the real life experiences & the ffedback of the postings here.
Evan – I have been reading your blog, and purchased both "What friends would tell you" & most recently "why he diassapeared". You have good insights to peolpe, so I'm surprised @ how harsh your response to my concern about personal safety was. Ask Allison Armstrong about the prevelancy of women who know they are alone, that no one is looking out for their wellbeing but themselves, and their instinctual concerns about their safety.
I appreciate your comment – and recognize that my answer was glib. Intentionally so, to make a point.
A majority of my clients are women over 40 and probably 1/3 of them are over 50. So, believe me, I really do understand the plight of single women better than any of your other fiftysomething married women friends.
And while I could clearly have shown more sensitivity to you, my feelings remain the same. Yes, you’re alone. Yes, no one’s looking out for you. Yes, you are going to have a greater concern for your safety than men.
Yet you should be far more concerned about being seduced by a Nigerian scammer who wants money than you should be worried about some 60-year-old lonely man turning violent. I have heard many incidents of financial fraud against women over 50, and NO incidents regarding physical safety. As such, your fear is more in your mind than in reality.
If someone hasn't dated in 25 years, perhaps they still view online dating the way it might have been seen 25 years ago. Personal ads were just starting up and there was still some stigma attached to finding dates this way. I'd say online dating is the norm now, even for much younger people who typically have access to many more singles in their age range.
I spent a lot of time lately shutting down Nigerian scammers; the good news is, they give themselves away. You can pretty much flush them out immediately and get rid of them.
I guess there is still sort of a stigma with online dating, but so many people do it these days that it's kinda silly. After all, there was a day and time when we used to have mail order brides. I don't know if I will meet "the one" online; I don't even know if I will meet him "offline". It's just an option for increasing opportunities.
As someone who has yet to try online dating, what I find unappealing about it is that it is essentially going on rounds of "blind dates". I've been on blind dates, either as set up by friends, or in two cases, men I met through an internet venue and find I much prefer to meet people in casual settings. There is an *expectation* factor in blind dating that isn't there when you meet someone before you agree to a date with them.
Women, don't forget to make yourself presentable/doll up, once a week, every two weeks, etc. when you are free to do so..I know many of you hold jobs…and go to coffeehouses, family restaurants, etc. mostly, during morning hours…..
I thought it was just me, where is everybody? I would love to meet a single man in person but no one talks to each other anymore. I get whistled at, stared at and comments made toward me but that is it. I am going to try going to a new place twice a week and see if environment changes anything. I’ve tried online dating and was so disappointed- alot of dead end conversations and some right out weird.
@24: ALL women have concerns about their physical safety that men don’t. If you don’t consider your physical safety in situations that involve strange men, you are not being smart and are more likely to be victimized than your more cautious sister. Until you know a guy, you don’t know whether he is predatory or not. And yes, older women are a big target group for predatory men. Not necessarily for the serial killer kind of predator, but for the financial scammers.
Or choose from other articles. There are many indicating that stalking happens mostly among young people. Considering that stalking often has a connection to lust (e.g., appearance), one would not expect older women to be prime targets.
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Tron Swanson on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"@YAG Thanks for your reply. I see two things from your comments. It makes sense to me that you spent twenty years with a woman with that age difference, so sure. You're used to it. "I'm us…"
S. on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"I’m pretty sure lots of women here are already fighting that battle. We've actually surrendered that particular war and are just having fun.…"
Emily, the original on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"It's just a shame. I'm sure there are fine people out there only one year older. But if those people draw that kind of line in the sand, they aren't for the people a year older anyway. And I'm no…"
S. on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"I'm pretty sure lots of women here are already fighting that battle.…"
Evan Marc Katz on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"YAG, I prefer to unwrap my own presents. Why would you want to open something that ancient?…"
Emily, the original on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"If you find YAG's complaints about women 61 year old women who deign to write to him less deserving of censure than mine that is simply a matter of taste.…"
Kitty on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?
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