Psychological insecurities within dating and relationships
4 Ways to Make Him Commit and Want Only You
What does it take to get a man to truly commit and want only you? It’s a question I’ve been asked more times than I could ever quantify.
What men desire most is a woman who inspires them to be their best self. Being that woman is a much different mindset than what most women typically do these days.
So what’s the major error that trips women up? It’s their focus. Instead of focusing on the feelings and experience they create for the man, the woman fixates on her own wants, her own worries, her own fears. And amidst this completely self-absorbed mindset consumed by what she wants, it’s no wonder that she’s unable to hook a man’s interest in a significant way, one that goes beyond just hooking up.
Sure, that woman might cook him dinners, perform in bed, and tell him how much she likes him, but none of that stuff penetrates a man’s psychology on a deep and meaningful level. Forget about just getting commitment. When you really understand and master the art of tapping into the deep parts of a man’s psyche, he will want to move mountains to possess you.
Men don’t start out there when they first meet a woman, though. She needs to reach him at that level by recognizing his ambitions, his fears, his motivations, his “mission” in life and where he ultimately wants to “win.”
Here are four ways to reach a man deeply and make him want to commit and devote himself fully to you.
I have a confession to make, when I was revising this article to get it ready for publishing, it was three ways to make him commit… not four.
The original article came off cold, harsh, and even depressing because I had left out the most important element of all. So in this revised version, I made sure to convey the most important piece of the puzzle right at the beginning.
Who you choose is by far the most important factor in all relationships. So one of the most important ways to make a guy commit is to get really good at understanding the reality of relationships, love, and your specific guy.
In my personal life, I meet all sorts of people. Some people are easy and fun to be around… I can spend hours with them, talking about things, laughing about things, and just genuinely enjoying their company. Being around them doesn’t require effort and I don’t want anything from them. I would have just as much fun driving in the car with them and chatting as I would doing something “exciting.”
On the other hand, there are people who I meet that immediately make me feel uncomfortable and defensive. I feel like I have to constantly be on my toes, choose my words carefully, and being around them is far from pleasurable.
Between those two extremes, there are all sorts of people who fall somewhere in the middle.
As a writer who talks about dating and relationships, what has always amazed me when it comes to relationships is how people completely disregard compatibility. They describe what it’s like to be with their guy and it almost sounds like they’re talking about their arch-enemy… there is no comfort, no trust, no compatibility.
Sometimes the relationship started out well and then over time disintegrated into something that resembles resentment and abuse rather than love or respect. Sometimes the relationship was never good to begin with, but the woman wants me to show her “relationship magic” to “make it work.” This is what I equate to trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.
Personally, I needed to date around and experience several relationships before I had a good understanding of what I really wanted, valued, and what resonated with me in a relationship. In my late teens and early twenties, for example, I knew that I wanted a girl that had a hot, fit body and a beautiful face.
Now, in my thirties, I realize how much I value having a woman who really “gets” me… a woman that I can talk to for hours every day and never feel bored… a woman who I can laugh with for hours and hours on end… a woman that I know how to be there for and who knows how to be there for me.
It took me a while to figure that out. When I realized it, I mentally revisited my past relationships and realized something very important that I want to pass along to you…
When I think of relationships that didn’t work out for me in the past (ones where I wanted things to work out and I got dumped), I realize that the woman I was with at the time was never going to be that woman with me. Even if she wanted it to work.
I can clearly see now, years later after all the emotion and attachment is completely gone, we never would have reached that level of intimacy that is ultimately valuable to me in a relationship.
I couldn’t see past my attachment to those relationships, though, or past my blind desire to make things work because I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to be rejected, and I didn’t want to lose someone.
All those emotions have nothing to do with love or compatibility. They’re just fear, ego, and a false sense of identifying with relationship success.
Real relationship success is not about making a relationship with someone work when, at your core, you and he are ultimately incompatible. It can be hard to see if you’re blinded by fears of loss, self-doubt and relationship fantasies that you want to come true…
The thing to realize is that people with great relationships don’t have the great relationships because they know great relationship secrets or psychological loopholes of the male mind. Fundamentally, people in the best relationships all have one thing in common: they don’t have relationships with people who are not a good match for them. They don’t let them into their life.
And what’s the easiest way to know if they’re a good match or not? Plain and simple – how do you feel about yourself when you’re with that person? Do you feel better about yourself? About life? About the things that upset you?
Or… do you feel insecure? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Do you feel like you’re suffocating… holding your breath in anticipation of a relationship that you desperately want to come into existence but always seems just out of reach? Helpless, powerless, and afraid they’ll do something to hurt you?
How you feel with the person you’re with is the best indication of whether you’re with someone who’s compatible or not. How much you want it to work is the worst indicator of a good relationship (in fact, usually the people who tell me how desperately they want something to work are highlighting how incompatible they really are from their partner). … (continued – Click to keep reading 4 Ways to Make Him Commit and Want Only You)
Ask A Guy: Exactly How To Seduce A Man (How To Turn A Man On, Part 1)
Ask a Guy: Long Distance Relationship… Exactly How To Make It Work?
Ask a Guy (Dating Tips / Relationship Advice for Women): Frequently Asked Questions
5 Common Misconceptions About Love
This is by far the best article I’ve ever read in my entire life about relationships and how to understand a man. This article would definitely help my BFF understand this as she is the clingiest, neediest & most insecure person ever & fails relationship after relationship. The only thing she says is: “I’m a good person why I can’t get a good man for myself?”. She praises herself endlessly but, when She finally lands a guy, she’s suffocated them so much that they end up leaving her. And believe it or not, as a friend, that’s really hard to watch when u see your BFF being dumped especially when she asks why… That’s when this article comes in. This article should have her name on it.
Hello. How can I arrange a phone consultation with you, Eric? Your straight-forward advice sounds reasonable and sound to me. I am in a 4-month old relationship with my boyfriend. I love him and he says he loves me, but he says he is afraid of hurting me. He confessed that he loves the excitement and euphoria when a relationship is new but gets bored and dissatisfied when the newness wears off. He is afraid that this will happen again and he will hurt me. He said I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him, that I treat him better than any other woman he’s ever been with and that he wants me in his life forever, even if that mean just being friends later. He hasn’t asked me to move in, hasn’t discussed marriage, but says he wants a future a with me. I don’t get this at all. My gut tells me he loves me but not enough. I want a future with him, including the whole ball of wax of marriage, but he says he doesn’t know if he wants to marry me or not, that we should just enjoy each other and live day to day. Sounds like bs to me. But I find it hard to be objective. He has been hurt deeply by past women who have betrayed and used him. I need help figuring this all out. Thank you very much.
Since I met this man he’s really nice but he always talking about sex that he wants me so bad and I’m not ready for sex or anything like that that what I want him to understand I don’t have no feelings I like them but I’m not ready for sex yet
I have been in love with the same guy for about three years,in the beginning he told me he did not want anything serious …so I did distance my self for a little while, however now we spend all are time together…going to the gym, going to his friends place cooking together …he keeps contact with me through out the day…it seems very much like a relationship with out a title…
Same situation. He tells me he doesn’t want serious, but then sometimes he acts like he does. It’s been 2 years and I really love this guy- dunno what to do
In your article ‘how to make him want you’ i couldn’t help thinking you were talking about me and i’m a woman. so in saying that, everything that you say a man wants is the same as what i want. thanx for the tips though.
Finally you talked about the most important piece of the puzzle. Choosing. I think a lot of people just go with the 1st person to give them the time of the day and they try to make it work.
It is important to note that you have to be in a good place in your life, fulfilled and happy, before you can make choices from a place of self-love and respect. That goes for all choices, from who you will date to getting up and having a healthy breakfast.
This takes work, acceptance and yes, mistakes .
I was in a fwb relationship with a man that I’m compatible with. But his ex wife and ex gf of 14 years both cheated on him. He never wants to date or have a relationship again. He says he’s un loveable too. It breaks my heart because I’m very much in love with him. He brok up with me 2 years ago because he knew I was in love with him without saying. We hadn’t talked again til last week. We had wonderful exciting sex. He said he hadn’t been with anyone in a long time.
I know, you’d say dump him, he’ll never commit. But I’m so on love with him it’s pure agony. I’m 62 and he’s 54, I’m divorced too. How can I get past his barriers?
Hi, I am a 61 year old widow and dating a 62 year old man for going on 2 years now, he has never been married or in a serious relationship for any length of time before. He tells me randomly that he loves me and we spend almost all our time together. He is hesitant to move in with me because he says he wants to be 100% sure of his feelings. He says that sometimes he doesn’t feel love or attraction and then other times he does. He hasn’t been with anyone else since we met and we are neighbors and friends and enjoy doing multiple things together. I am trying not to push too hard because I have the feeling he does love me and maybe this will go somewhere. Other times, I doubt his love for me because he doesn’t just come out and make a commitment to me. Am I being too needy in wanting a commitment and him to move in with me after almost 2 years of dating? What advice would you give me in regards to this relationship? I have met his entire family and we spend holidays together with them and I get along great with them. He asks my advice on things and shares details of his past life and relationships and mistakes he has made in life. He also shares all his goals and dreams with me and asks me to help him make decisions on things because he has a hard time making decisions on things. I don’t want to hang on if there will never be love but at the same time I don’t want to let go of something good because he does treat me with respect and will randomly say I love you and is always hugging me and kissing me and doesn’t only demand sex out of the relationship.
Hey.. I’m in love with this guy for almost 6 months now and we are in a long distance relationship..since from the day we met he treated me like I’m the only girl in the world he respect me like I’m around him always he calls me day and night.. And we hardly see each other because of his work and the distance between us.. Few days back I visited him where he stays and he introduced me to everyone around him and everything was good until I hold his phone while he was asleep.. I found out that his cheating for me which changed everything ..I’m a Moody person.. Then I asked him everything and he answered me some not everything.. Then he apologized about his doings and promise me that he will short everything out soon.. And I did forgiven him but sometimes i feel like I have done a wrong thing it will happen again and we are living miles apart so I’m afraid.. Please I need an advice on what to do!
Dimitri Raftopoulos and his Relationship Works have the answer…
Hello well .. This guy has Been pursuing me for almost 3yrs. We were intimate, spent all of our time together. He does for me, we go out in public. We talked about marriage and kids together everthing.. He knew that i wasnt emotionally ready at the time yet he assured me it was safe to open up and be kind…Then when i finally do and say lets do this he tells me no and starts to pull away… Now he says he not ready and not intrested anymore…what happened?
Ladies…all I can say is if you feel insecure about your looks then make yourself more attractive for YOU! Not for a man. There’s nothing that increases a woman’s feelings of insecurity more than doing something to herself FOR a man, or for the purpose of attracting men. It may make you feel confident and powerful in the short term, but that feeling doesn’t last if your focus is on doing it for him. Your purpose should be feeling better about yourself and increasing your own confidence regardless of men. What men seem to forget is that women are not on this earth solely for their pleasure. How you feel about yourself should be totally independent of what men think.
Question for Eric: In #3 – Reach Him Deeply, you say “Your ultimate gift as a woman is to inspire him to do that, to realize his ultimate potential as a man.” Can you give some examples of what you’re advising? I get the concept but I have no clue how to act on it in a concrete way.
I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 weeks or so. Yes, early days I know, but we have passed a lot of these things. I’ve met his brother, his casual friends and a lot of his close friends. Natural since we’ve known each other for 8 years really. Anyway I feel like I’ve ruined something great. We try and have a date a week, very casual ones though, we feel good around each other, talk is easy, we support each other, have some similar interests and hobbies, and the sex is great. It was only how one date night he was sick and I organised an easy night at his where I would bring over dinner, watch a movie and just hang out. He told me he wasn’t up to it and wanted some alone time. I get that. I have those days too. I also get that plans come up and that if there is a friend you can only see once in a blue moon then you take it. But, does it have to be the same night? Do I have to find out through a third person that he went to a party while sick on the night he wanted to be alone? Now in past relationships I’ve done the bad thing, let these things slide, hurt me and reward them for it; but I didn’t want to do that. I messaged him today – not trusting my voice – with something along the lines of ‘since you believe in honesty is the best policy, next time tell me alone time just means time with anyone but me.’ I told him I’ve been in that type of relationship before and I was really hurt by it. He said he understood and it was inconsiderate before slipping in the whole thing of ‘personally, i’m not looking for a serious relationship right now.’. Ok, I get that. Just shy of two months dating (even though we’ve known each other for 8 years) and we are young! We are only 22. I agreed with him but he also knows that down the line those feelings on my end might change. I also said that if they change for him to let me know since I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want him to be either. I’ve been in the whole one sided relationship before and the guy really hurt me in that situation. I feel like I’ve ruined it by telling him how I feel since he just slipped in that line and it just felt like another blow. I like this guy, I could see a potential relationship in the future but I’m just scared that even though I said I don’t want a label that he thinks that since i added that months down the line that could change. When that time comes I’m just wondering how to reach him to move from just casual dating to a proper relationship.
u have good articles Charles its really helped me a lot thanks.
This is Dana I just want you to help with my issue. I met a guy I obsorved his character he is genuine, and kind to everyone. The thing is that he is making me to feel that he likes me but when I started to talk him as a friend, he just telling me tat he got crush on some one else & her age is 22 and few days after he Says tat he is loving a girl from the same premises and she is 24. I didn’t understand what he is trying to tell. My question for you is did he making to jealous or he just wants avoid me.
Hi! Good article, but I just wonder what men should bring to the table? It’s a two-way-thing, isn’t it? And quite frankly, I’m not putting any effort into finding any man at all. ??
Select a guy that brings what you like to the table. Don’t select a guy who doesn’t bring what you like to the table. I would say 95% of relationship success ultimately comes down to selection.
hie,i am into a relationship with a guy named ashish.i am having lots and lots of troubles due to my bad past and he too has really bad experience in his past relation.
Now the big problem is the guys i had in my past are somewhere in links with him and he is really in a very confused state to whether continue with this relationship and get into a commitment of marriage or not. he has forgiven me in every mistake.we are in a relation since 7 months and i almost broke his heart 20 times since then but he still stands by me in every situation,like yesterday my brother by chance got to know everything about us,in doubt that we are into physical relation with each other but he still is there for me and is ready to even talk to him.he cant see me crying.whatever i asks him he never says no.i have always created problems,troubles for him,he still says this is the last time and if anything happens again he will go away from me,but still he is here…i dont know how to solve this mess.firstly i want to tell my mother about our relation but the problem is he says we cant marry. so i dnt know how to tell my mother or convince her to accept our relation without us being into any future commitment. please help me anyone with this.
I love the article and all of your material that I’ve read thus far. I actually was looking up topics yesterday like this one and I’ve found you.
I was wondering. I have a friend that says he don’t ever want to be an a relationship ever again because of the pain that he has experienced in the past from passed relationships but yet he wants me to open up to him which I did and he wants me to continue to open up to him. Why would a man want you to open up to them if they don’t plan on having a future with you.
That article was ON F***ING POINT. I apologize for the potty mouth… But there’s so much complete crap on the web. It was refreshing, well-written and absolutely correct. Big ups .
But please let me know where and how this works
If you could email me i just have some questions, i dont like commenting but need a little advice. Thankyou in advance!
Hello Eric, I wanted to introduce myself, my name is Inessa, and I’ve been wanting to write to you and say thank you for quite a while now!
I’ve purchased your book “He’s Not That Complicate”
about 3 months ago and my whole life transformation has begun. Reading this book was like grinding and swallowing glass, very emotional and liberating experience!
I would have to write a “War and Peace” sized book:), to express my feelings of admiration, appreciation, inspiration, and overall feeling of being grateful to run across you and Sabrina! I think I actually owe it to myself to put it all into words how I feel (i am not very strong at putting my feelings into words) and what an amazing experience it has been to read you articles every day. You almost seemed as unreal, virtual relationship guru, that doesn’t actually exist, lol, yet, you are real, lol, and actually from Boston, I live in Peabody, near Boston.
Out of all other advice out there that I was reading, your information is the most that made perfect sense to me, you, at your young age, you have a lot of experience that you were able to collect, organize perfectly and,…help people! It’s an incredible collection that is easy to read, relate and understand, material, which is fun, no BS:), freely given, not always trying to sell another product, deep, personal, open, detailed, incredibly valuable, abundant and helpful not only in relationships between man and woman, but in life in general. When you write about having a particular mindset, you talk about things that was a missing ingredient for me when it came to decide that you really are above a lot of other so called relationship gurus!
You truly are an amazing human being, handsome, sexy, and beautiful mind and soul.
I’ve been separated for 2 years now and was always trying to read about relationships, and understand what went wrong in my situation. So one after another, and onother so so book purchase lead me finally to your book! I pushed myself and finally started dating again. I’m dating this guy for one month now and your articles are absolutely priceless and of a high value to me! I would even really like to have a session of your advice in person, if it’s possible:), maybe you visit Boston any time soon?:)
Thank you very much for your warm and heartfelt message. I really appreciate it and I’m glad you like our work.
I moved out of Boston and I’m living in Miami now… but of course still have a spot in my heart for MA and all the “massholes” up there hehe. ??
As far as one-on-one sessions, Sabrina and I only do one-on-one email Q & A’s as of right now… we charge for that, but if you’re interested you can hit me up on Facebook about it.
Hi Eric, you are very welcome! I really like the fact that you got back to me so quickly, that made me feel special and cared for, thanks! ??
yes I noticed that you live in Miami now. I’ve been there once, I liked it there.
Yeah, living here in Taxochussetts full of massholes, lol. Never boring, haha.
Yes, I actually would be very interested in one- on- one
Q&A emails. What is the best way to contact you on Facebook, I know you cannot accept any more friend requests, so I guess just message you there, right? I send you a message there already, and since we are not friends on Facebook I wonder if you got it, I’ve been told once, that it could go in a separate folder which the person doesn’t see right away.
Thank u so much
Eish I love my boyfriend but we are fighting every single time
Well nowadays it is Most of the women that Can’t Commit to just only One man anymore.
I need him back
I want him back
I’ve saved this to my phone. Thank you.
My love is love and care me soo muc he unde?stand me also bt am soooo duffer I dnt un?erstand how to succes my long distance realationship
This article was exactly what I needed to read. It was straight to the point but very in depth with how simple it is to keep your man into you. Right now I could use the help with my current relationship. Eric Charles, if there was any way to get your insight on my current situation I would greatly appreciate that. Thank you for the great insight above.
i have been dating this guy for almost six months now, we have not started having sex, because i told him i am not ready we have talked about it and he agreed. But of late i feel he is pulling away, sometimes he will not call or text me unless if i call him or text him first, he is always postponing our dates and its like he does not want to see me, when i ask him he says he is just busy with work or he could not call me because he had no credit in his phone, i don’t really know what to do? should i just leave him alone or i continue calling or texting him first all the time…, does it mean he has lost interest in me? please help ,
The same thing happened to me. He is lying to you.
If a man won’t make time for you or call/text first, he does not value you. Drop him like a hot potato and find someone who deserves you!
6 months is WAYYYY TOO LONG to go without intamacy. Sexual attraction is human nature. If you made me wait 6 months I’d be gone.
i want my bf from that girl
Great article, amazing advice, and well-written! I love this website, I’ve devoured so much by both you (Eric) and Sabrina, and I’ve loved them all (and agreed with approximately 95 percent, haha!).
Now, I’m bit bummed because I can’t seem to find any advice about the opposite situation: what if the guy is showing you more commitment than you can handle? Not in a creepy first-date-“let’s marry and have babies”, but in a solid 3-months-“I care about you and want to see where this is going, and I’d like to move in together and five it a try”. I want that too, just… not for another year or so (it’s actually a LD relationship, I put the details in a recent forum post called “Anxious about playing house”). Any advice? ??
And for the incredulous ladies: Eric is right in what he says (and you’ll find compatible insight in the GOOD programs out there, because as wise as it is, it’s commonsensical); this stuff actually works. In no time, you’ll find so much commitment you won’t know what to do with it. ??
Thanks… well… after such a shining endorsement, I guess I kind of have to at least look at your forum post (hehe).
What you’re describing is something I’ve heard before from women… they read our stuff and actually apply it (all of it, inside and out) and all of a sudden they start running into situations like this where the guy, a quality guy, is pushing for commitment.
I’ll take a look, but my answer will have to be quick… I’m getting sleepy on the east coast here…
Thank you so much, Eric! I really really appreciate your quick answer and advice!
Naomi van Jaarsveldt
Trust! A man want you to trust him and he want to trust you.
How do you know when it’s too late ? When not to try anymore. How do you know he is finished ?
This so called advice you give to women is the most misogynistic piece of crap I’ve ever read. Apparently women should forget about themselves and just revolve around what their guy wants. I guess that’s what success is about to you. I’m not surprised at all this is written by a guy.
I’m happy to talk about why I wrote what I wrote…
I’m happy to walk through why I believe my approach is the most effective approach…
I’m happy to discuss what you believe might be a better approach.
But see… I can’t really take a comment seriously when it just wildly hurls accusations about my work, my intent and my character.
Then as icing on the cake, you insult the quality of the content based on my maleness (which is ironic, since the root of your grievance is to accuse me of being sexist…)
Again, I have always been open to discussion of anything (not just this article but my whole body of work over the last 13 years).
That my friend is a great rebuttal indeed.
Correct me if im wrong please Eric . What I think he is saying is that we are all caught up in what WE all want (which is pretty normal human behavior , male or Female ).
Eric is saying that perhaps we should look at what other people want for a change and focus in on that . Not at all to say give up your morals, boundaries, perspectives as strong independent woman.
Please be kind, this man is trying to help and has dedicated his life work to understand the sexes communicate better. Help that grow , ask intelligent questions.
This article is surprisingly well written considering that most refer to manipulation of some sort. Yet, I would like to take a middle ground here in the positions taken by Eric Charles and Jennie. I think a fifth point, but moved to the top of the post should be on finding your own self love, and source of fulfillment independent of relationships, which helps you then do the second point say no to those who are not a good fit for you — i.e. know how to choose those compatible to you so that you can be yourself and also add value to his/her life. And yes, such relationships are reciprocal. It is not only the woman adding value, the man reciprocates as well. Both partners benefit. And commitment is a natural result, without having to manipulate the situation in any way. Thanks for offering different points of view.
I think this is pretty head on! I most definitely would rather hear advice about a man from a man,that’s for sure! I think it’s a great article!! .
You may want to actually have a good idea on what you’re talking about before making conclusions about people. One of the things Eric stresses in many of his articles is that a woman needs to be happy with her own life and love herself before she can truly be happy in a relationship. He also points out that if a woman is happy on her own, she will attract love and that it is then up to her to decide if a man is right for her. Kinda sounds like she’s the one in control of her own happiness. How is that sexist? In order to learn, you need to read the entire articles, not just pick out the parts that you can twist into being offensive. However, it’s quite clear that you have some serious anger issues towards men, in which case, how can you possibly expect to be in a happy relationship with one?
Misogyny means hatred of women. There is nothing misogynistic about this article…
Wallah awesome advices I’ve been with my guy more than a year now even f we r in different culture he always telling me it doesn’t matter and when I answered ur quizzes it just like a test paper also been told by my guy for me ur ryt it’s about inner self must know not just bcz d eyes want to see…and I’m satisfied and happy with my friends guy bcz he is God fearing and teach me lot more of faith values which really was a different from my culture..ALLAH bless U Eric may U continue help people who r in need of advices regarding love and the likes….
hey i want to talk about my problem . is it possible ? i read this article but i want to talk about mine please
You have given the best advice that I have ever read from any article or book out there and trust I have read MANY. I see where I have been going wrong with my relationships and I see that I am putting too much of what I want them to be for me in it. I see where my negative thoughts have failed me and how I can go about changing me to be a better me for a relationship. Your views are so on point and I completely understand exactly where you are coming from. I will continue to read and reread your advice until I get myself where I need to be physically and emotionally. I definitely dont live in the moment with the man I have been with and I have gotten the I dont want a relationship thing from him but I definitely see where I went wrong because this man was interested in me from the beginning and he is still here. So I see where I went wrong. I see where I need to change just from reading your articles. I am seeing clearly. Now just to adjust my behavior and actions. I believe I will see a change in him. You cant expect people to change if you dont change yourself first… Thanks for all the great advice ??
Thank you very much for the kind words. That means a lot to me and I’m glad you like what I’ve put out there. I appreciate it.
OMG…I think we’re in the same exact place. And after reading this article, I think I know exactly what to do. I’ve been so consumed with getting hurt again, that I’ve totally missed the fact that the guy I was previously dating kept wanting to hold on to me, even though he keeps saying he doesn’t want a relatinship. THAT’S A CLEAR TED FLAG FOR ME. I recently broke it off with him because he refused to commit, but the next time, I’ll get it right….THIS ARTICLE IS SO PROFOUND!
Great article Eric! I have been reading lots of articles online about compatibility and commitment lately. Yours by far is a great read.
This guy I went on a few dates with recently told me that I was a cool person but he thought that we weren’t compatible in the long run. He still talks to me through texting often. After he told me, I didn’t react and simply said “oh OK”.Then he asked me if I was pissed off or upset about it. I simply replied that I was fine and he told me I was cooler than he thought.
We were playing the waiting game back and forth. He wouldn’t talk to me for 11 hours, so I did the same thing. We then started talking like normal again. It’s quite the whirlwind!
I was wondering if you could help me out.
I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 months. From the start he said he wasn’t interested in a “full on serious relationship” and at that stage I wasn’t either. He then told me 5 weeks ago that he had feelings for me but wasn’t ready to commit to them yet. I was intoxicated and my reaction was “okay we should stop sleeping together/talking etc.” Up until this point it had been really perfect and he always replies asap, initiates to hang out etc. After this conversation he came back really strong without even a day in between where there was no contact and kept initiating plans e.g., going away together and paying for it. We didn’t sleep together for 2 weeks but as he lives with 4 of my best friends, we fell back into a sleeping together arrangement again and things pretty much went back to where they stopped. I had a conversation with him this week because I really wanted to know where I stand. He pretty much said that he didn’t want “rules” i.e., you can’t sleep with someone else, however for this time we would only sleep with each other and if we did sleep with someone else then we would have to tell each other and it would change what we have. I was happy with this. When it came to kissing other people, he said that because I wasn’t his girlfriend, I wouldn’t need to tell him if I kissed someone else because it would hurt him but if i were his girlfriend, he would want to know. I pretty much said I disagree and coming from a place of security that it would be nice to know that he wasn’t out kissing other girls. He doesn’t’ go out much either which he used to try and reassure me. I told him that due to the living situation and fear of getting hurt I may want to remove myself from the situation.
Overall I was happy with the conversation but upon reflection I’m wondering if he just sees me as a friends with benefits thing (even though we have feelings for each other?) or whether he sees it going somewhere and he just needs more time…
What is your advice with my next step? I’ve given myself a week away from him because of exams anyway and time to gather my thoughts. Should I bother bringing it up again, should I stop sleeping with him or should I keep sleeping with him in the hope that he will give me what I want eventually? I guess where I’m confused is that if I stop sleeping with him… he may see me as needy and full on considering it’s only 3 months in. But at the same time I don’t want to keep sleeping with him if it is just going to hurt me and he will never give me what I want.
Both must choose each other and a man must bring those things to the table as well to be worthy of a woman’s love.
That was the most spine tinglingly apt article I’ve ever read. So relevant in my life right now and will help me in our second attempt at happiness with my other half. So insightful. Straightened out a thought process that I had, but had jumbled! :-/ Thank you!
Awesome – that’s great to hear, thanks for the comment.
I want to start off by saying thank you for adding a guys input Eric! My question is how do know if your inspiring him to be his best self and inspire him in his lifes mission if you dont know what that is? The guy im kind of seeing has only initiated deep conversation once and it was to ask what i thought about us. Am i supposed to ask him out right or am i supposed to try and figure it out all on my own?
Thanks Eric, love your articles and advice.
How important is sexual chemistry and compatibility in a relationship? If all other areas are great but my man feels though he is missing that sexual chemistry with me even though he is very physically attracted to me, is that a deal breaker?
I really wanna know why this man won’t text me no more and when I ask him things about what’s going on with him he never let me know I don’t understand please help
Extremely helpful post! I got a lot of great nuggets I look forward to practicing with this awesome guy ??
So Eric I’ve been talking to this guy almost 2 years. He says he likes me a lot but does not know what he wants we not in a relationship he enjoys my company a lot I like him too but need more.I think he’s confused some times it feels like he wants to and then next time he pulls away say he been hurt so much he’s not ready .Do u think it’s an excuse or what .I know he seeing other people but denies it .Please give me your opinion
Is there anyway that I can contact you such as an email I have a personal question about some of this continent
Thank u so much your email and articles I have been reading are great.! That are helping me realize that the relationship I’m in is not healthy. I meet this guy from a really good friend of mine.! He is a retired marine he is very different from the guys I’ve dated. Which is very different me, my parents like him a lot. But we argue alott. He says I have no discipline in my life he blames me for all the arguments we have, and its always my fault. I feel happy at moments but it seems I have to be very careful of what I say and do or how I act when I’m with him. He has left the house like 6 times.He says he really loves me but I don’t think he does. Or maybe I’m just trying to hard for this relationship to work which is not going to go anywere! Any advice will be greatly appreciated thank u very much.:)
Hi, He sounds as if he has a lot of his own insecurities and is deflecting them onto you. He is constantly trying to change you, and tell you that you aren’t enough. You sound to me as if you are not comfortable in being yourself around him. You can’t petend to be someone else to please jom forever, so picture this you are trying to adapt yourself to who he wanrlts and he is still finding flaws. Aren’t you tired already,? he is damaging your self-esteem. There is someone out there , who you may or may not have met, that will adore you flaws and all, bit you have to love yourself enough to know when you are being tolerated , and ” handled”, not loved. This guy you are with, needs you a lot more than you need him, be careful not to allow him to force you to change into someone nobody wants, so thy he can keep you all to himself, while he used you. By that, I mean an insecure, unhappy person that doesn’t feel worthy of anything.
Wow! What a fantastic article! As I was reading through it, I was mentally ticking which of the qualities I already possess or things I’m already doing that are being mentioned in the article. I am very happy to say that in my current relationship, I’m either already doing all 4 things or one of them, I had already thought of doing that yesterday but have to wait until at least tonight to put it into motion. It’s only been 6 months and those have been fraught with obstacles, but so far, we seem to have survived all of them and I’m positive that we will survive the latest devastating thing that has come up just recently.
And, Cher is absolutely right. The only real way to ensure you get him to commit is to really and truly love your own self first and foremost. As the flight attendants on airplanes say, “Put your own oxygen mask on first before you help the person next to you.”
Eric, although I think you might be “spot on” on your theories, I can tell you for a fact that at age 67 I’ve had a lot more experience. Here really is the very bottom line in finding a good relationship, “it has to be cultivated and tended to”. After 40 yrs of marriage, loss due to death, we had to grow up together, we changed as we grew, we had to adjust, we became grown ups, our ideas, needs and desires changed. No matter how hard times are, no matter how much you share in common, or laugh or cry together, the one thing—“the only thing that keeps you together through thick and thin, till death do you part” Is a high regard for the other persons “person”, and a hell of magnetic physical attraction. Easy as that. It takes YEARS for the former to develop—and you can only hope that the latter remains. There is no magic wand. It is hard work that can pay you back with a lifetime of wonderful memories.
My advice to all the girls out there—be open, and don’t be afraid to be yourself. Find yourself, grow yourself and learn to be happy with yourself. Learn to like yourself and spend time with yourself. Learn to be your own best friend—
Hi Eric, I have situation that you’ve probably dealt with. I was seriously dating /living with the love of my life and we were so inove that we wouldn’t even consider anyone else. We were together for a yr and 5 months when an ex-friend ( homewrecker) began conversing with him in posts on social media. I trusted him, so nenever thought there would be risk. He ended up leaving me for her, moved in with her, and has been playing “step-dad” to her rotten kids. We’ve tried several times to work it out because he says he knows he hurt me, he screwed up and now he loves 2 women and he’s confused and has not been able to choose. He knows she wrecked us but can’t seem to get completely back to me. He even calls her stupid, and says he’s miserable with her. Now, I’m not so stupid as to not know that actions speak louder than words, but I love him and want to put us back together. She will never be the woman that I am and I think part of him feels sorry for her while I do not!! She has always been extremely jealous of me, but I’m in NO way jealous of her. Can you offer any advice? I know this is the condensed version of too many details to list…I wish I could talk to you. I believe there is hope as I know men at 46 go through mid life crises. At 45 myself though, I know what I want…hope to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks…
That guy is so full of sh*t! Don’t waste another moment of your precious life, it is far too short, which you may not realize at age 45—-but I’m telling you as a “senior” get on with living- lest you wake up tomorrow and find you frittered away your best years.
Totally agree with Cher. One thing you have to know with any relationship is that if it’s not a “hell yeah!” then it’s a no, this man is not giving you “hell yeah, I want to be with with you” vibes. You have to cut your losses and move on, before you become his personal shrink.
Hi Eric,i really need ur advice thrs a guy whom i love i ve alrdy askd him out we’ve meet twice bt iam very serious about him..he said he does not want to b in a relationship..as he just had a break up wth smbdy…bt he also sayss that he will never let me go things would be the same as wen ur in relationship just it wont be official..but niwdays i feel he gets irritated while speakn online…i want him to be mine forevr…wat should i do to get him commit nd love me….
Sayyada—you sound very immature, I think you should grow up and become an adult and figure out who you are before you can decide what it is that will fulfill you. Become your own woman, a good man will enhance that and not destroy it. You right now are on a path to romantic/relationship disasters.
When is the right time to have sex with someone you’ve been dating for 2 months and half
I am so pleased to have come accross this site.
Now what I want, is to dump him, before I go insane and just forget he ever existed….but I cant tell him its over. I want to do the dissapearing act. One issue though his a 10/10.
At the tender age of 24 I’ve met 2 10/10 kinda guys, they had the looks, the charm, the intelligence, etc, they were a “catch”. However, long story short, the sad fact is that neither of them wanted me. The point is that no matter how much of a catch a guy can be, if he doesn’t want you move on. Like I’ve said in a previous comment, if he’s not giving you a “hell yeah!” vibe, you best be moving onto the guy who will want you. You can never trick or convince a guy to fall for you. And usually you only find this out after seriously losing yourself in the chase.
Hey there,i realy need advise. Me and this guy have been dating for almost a year,we were great together(atleast thats what i thought) until he came to me one night and told me that he lost interest in me,he doesn’t love me anymore. I was shocked and hurt,but i got over most of that,only to find that i stil love him. He tried calling me once after the breakup,but i did not answer. Earlier this month i called him,asking him to visit me some time as friends, and he told me its too soon…My question is,if he did not love me anymore than why find it a problem to be friends. i enjoy my time wth him and want us to build a future together,what should i do?
Move on Beverly, find a way to distract yourself from your addiction to him. The longer you avoid him, the easier it will be to move on. There’s a much better guy for you out there who you will not have to work to be with.
Eric I wanted to say thank you! All of your articles remind everyone of what is really important about life and happiness! I realize that it is time to stop chasing ones that don’t want to be chased by me! I know I have a lot to offer but I am excited to say I am not scared to be alone I love my life, my friends! I love this article because it just helps remind me that I don’t want a guy that brings out the crazy if he likes my vibe and we click I am not gonna worry cuz he will want more! If it changes stop worrying or trying because you don’t want to work on something that is onesided! You have opened my eyes to see that if I can’t see my worth and value how can I expect anyone else! So keep writing your honest and inspiring pieces! I am so excited about my future and all the adventures this year could bring! Xoxoxo
You’re welcome — and thank you. ??
Once again you have hit home with your wonderful words. I have opened my eyes thanks to you. I really enjoy reading your articles, they are making me see “the real perception men have.”
I truly appreciate it! “Round of applause. Yay!!”
awesome and this is beautiful writer on 4 Ways to Make Him Commit and Want Only You. it’s explained many things about the relationship. I’m enjoyed yo read and understand every each word of those sent on this article, especially about ” I can clearly see now, years later after all the emotion and attachment is completely gone, we never would have reached that level of intimacy that is ultimately valuable to me in a relationship. I can use for make in status of my facebook and many friends like that.
if you have another article..do not forget to send to me.
So, I met him accidentlly one night on the way to a friend’s place after a party. th is guy’s bike had broke down n he also had bruises on him because had slipped. i asked my friends to stop to help him. my friends helped him n I, God knows why, invited him over to my friend’s place, one of the reasons may be because it was late at night and he stayed close to my friend’s place. He accepted. We hit it off right away. we stayed up all night, all of us and talked. next morning he also stayed back for breakfast. he randomly gave out his #. but i did not save it. instead one of my friend(guy) did. I was leaving the city pretty soon. so, my friends and i were planning for house party at my place. he offered to come, too and suggested he’d cook as a thank you for helping him.
well, i agreed (how could i not, he’s cute ?? ). i wasn’t sure if he’d show up. but he did. he did cook n it was awesome. during the party he asked me not to leave the city. when i told him i had no reason to stay back. he said there may be now. so we saw each other everyday after that. went out . he really took care of me, shared about his family. we really like each other. he even said lotta times he really liked me and that he was sad i was leaving. asked me to stay, coupla times. but i really needed to leave. he even came to see me off. things changed totally after i left. he did not call. when i did, he spoke normally and said he had been caught up. later after a week or two, he did nt show any interest to call. so i stopped calling too. once i called him n asked what was goin on. to my surprise he said we enjoyed together. but he cant do long distance. I’m flabbergasted how can anyone just shut off things just like that. was he pretending all the while?
there was this thing with him, though, Eric, he had these 10-12 hour he never said what he was upto. when i asked him, he brushed it off saying its confidential and i wouldn’t understand so soon. but he promised it was not another woman or relationship.
What do i do? what should i understand from this?
Rachel, I’m a lot older than you. I’ve been through serious relationships, local and long distance. Bottom line, long distance doesn’t work. It’s not a relationship. I would say the only exception to this is if you’re already truly married, nothing else is wrong, and one of you has to travel for work. Still, that can only be temporary – the two of you have to reunite, want to reunite, and it happens.
You only just met this guy, and he made it clear he wasn’t leaving. You were still in the honeymoon/ infatuation phase when you left. He sounds like he really liked you, but he was right o keep it light when that’s where you two were when you left. Had you stayed and got to know each other better, you would have found out whether you two were really compatible/ on the same level, etc.
He’s not available in your current situation. Stay friendly from a distance and date other people. If you two end up in the same city again, you can explore the rest of where your dynamic goes.
Julie, i’m glad you responded to my comment. Thank you! i needed a perspective of a third person, which you did n i really appreciate it. What you said does make sense, we had indeed just met. i only wished i had stayed longer to get to know him better. but my family said they needed me and I moved without even thinking twice. Funny thing is, after i did move, my mom was like she felt sad for me that i moved quitting my job and all and that i should’ve stayed back if i wanted to. i was like in my mind, are you serious?! lol
Thanks Eric this sound advice really speaks volumes for me, I value your insight and appreciate your work, just wish I had discovered you earlier! I enjoy reading your articles and really relate to your words and encouragement on making me be the best version of myself in relationships, thanks for sharing ??
I loved this piece, well done
Over the years this is exactly what I’d come to learn about relationships (where were you 10 years ago?)
This paragraph stood out in particular as I had never looked at those words like this before, to paraphrase….How much you WANT a relationship to work is the clearest sign the two of you are incompatible…..
Looking back to times I had said “I desperately want this to work” I think that at the time I really believed I was actually displaying loyalty and commitment. In reality I had simply plastered the ideal “potential” stencil over the relationship I could get at the time. Your comment made me think and I came to this:
– see your closest most wonderful friendships: how easy is it to hang out/uplift/forgive/laugh with your best mate, the challenge therefore should be how much do you want to work (as in bring value to) for this relationship (because it’s worth it) not how much you want this relationship to work
My bf an I have been dating for the past year an a half we don’t live together nor live in the same city, we only really see each other on weekends, it was amazing at first for the first part of the year of being together then all of a sudden he started accusing me of cheating on him with others guys let alone my daughter’s dad that I haven’t been with for 6 plus years, that im using drugs.. so tired of being accused of stupid things I’m ready to start doing them.. do you have any advice?
Wow!! All I can say is thank you for writing. You have an awesome way of saying things, straight to the point no BS. This is what people need I tell all my friends about anew mode, lol I even quote some things you say on Facebook. I’ve been married for twelve years and I love reading your articles because it makes me a better person, wife lover!! Thanks again!
Thanks, I really appreciate that Jenny.
I hope you can help me with this. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months now. Things started out great but the last couple of weeks I’ve been kind of moody and on edge due to stressing over finding a job. This weekend I tried to get him to stay with me but he said he would have to work, but wasn’t sure about Saturday due to a possible lack of a ride. So I asked him if I could pick him up Saturday or if he wanted to wait to see me till Sunday. He told me he would just see me Sunday that he didn’t know if he had stuff to do Saturday. Is it possible that I’ve been pushing him away and he’s wanting space or looking to break up with me, or am I just over thinking this whole thing?
I was in a situation that still confuses me. Maybe you can help. I know long distance is hard, but I was in one for 4 months. I showed up great – warm, joyous, playful. We had seen each other 3 times and were planning on a visit at the holidays. Due to previous things that were planned for both of us – international travel and grad school exams, we knew it would be 8 weeks to see each other. He travelled and we spoke 4 times over 12 days for 2-3 hours, just having fun. When he got back, he called 10 times in 6 days, emailed, texted, and wrote me a letter about what an amazing influence I was and how we had this great chemistry. He started saying “love you” at the end of a few calls, and I said “love you too”, but never initiated it as I knew we were falling and needed to see each other. I went on an international vacation for 2 weeks and common times to talk were difficult (and I was having fun). We spoke twice by Skype with him asking when we could speak again. We scheduled a third and I emailed him once or twice telling him what fun stuff was happening and wishing him well on his studying. The last call he was late for, which it felt dispointed as I had asked if he just wanted to talk when I was home and he insisted we set up a time. I only said it once, he apologized and we let it go.
He was supposed to buy his ticket to visit, and he had not. When I got home he called me. When I asked if he was still visiting, he said he wanted more, he did not know me as well as he would like, the calls were not building the relationship for him and seeing each other once a month would not be enough. That day and that day only during our calls, I said I knew the two months would be hard, that we still should get to know each other, that it thought we were falling, and that I while not there, I could have seen him as my husband (not yet, but could see it). I felt confused as he had been leading, initiating most calls, was the one saying love you, and asking to talk. He said that I was great emotionally and verbally and he did value me. I finally said, I want you to have what you want and wish you the best.
He said the same, and wrote me a letter thanking me for our time together saying I am grounded, compassionate, beautiful and intelligent.
Now, I feel humiliated about that day only, like I could have gotten him to stay and deeply confused about why he changed his mind. Any ideas?
Oh, btw, the calls and such were an escalation, during the previous months, we would talk 3 times per week for several hours, and text – mostly at his initiation, but we were growing the relationship….
What I think is going through his head: “I’m calling too much, saying ‘I love you’ first, hanging on waiting for her to have time for me, I look desperate and clingy, I’m over invested in this girl, I’m chasing, time to pull back and protect my ego”
I know you tried to get him invested again by following up with how much you like him, but he knows that would set a bad precedent where both parties feel insecure in the relationship, better to be decisive.
I don’t think there’s much you could have done differently, sometimes things just don’t work out.
Long distance relationships rarely work anyway.
To be clear, I was in no way making him chase me. I was warm and responsive. I was letting him lead and extremely responsive to that. If he wrote me, I wrote him, if he said love you, I said love you too. If he called, I called him back. If he did something for me, I would call and thank him. As to having time… I was responsive to his calls (clear about when I had plans, but would schedule a specific time), had time for 2-3 hour calls when he was out of town, and made time while I was on the other side of the world. I had also been very clear I was super excited to see him, even freeing up a possible 10 days for us to spend time and get to know each other.
You young people make it so complicated! The guy was stroking his EGO. He wanted flattery, nothing more.
Great article (as usual!). What are some ways women can inspire a guy to realize his ultimate potential as a man? My go to was to go to the deep, dark secrets, but from reading your articles that is a no-no and I should leave his issues alone. Asking questions seems to put guys on guard and make him and me feel like I am an investigator. You have previously said to let guys open up to you, does that go for sharing their hopes/dreams as well? Or how can I reach him on a deeper level?
You are very welcome, credit where credit is due. I understand the dilemma you face (I am in a similar line of work as you) marketing is a way to reach a larger audience and spread your authentic message to women who need it most. These gimmicky writers end up sent to spam when they are always trying to “trick” women in to buying the latest ground breaker (which often it isn’t) there are many cowboys out there, and what I observe so often, sadly…is that many women BELIEVE it has to be difficult, perhaps even that there is something wrong with men and they must be tricked! the beauty of what you write is that you keep it simple and you speak in a way that reaches out to people, the great tragedy is that despite it being an uncomplicated and heartfelt message that truly works when actioned, it takes time and effort and a commitment to self growth to actually become this woman you describe. One who is happy, healthy and balanced…
I observe that many women read and understand this advice, but they don’t want to do the work, they want a quick fix right now. What they fail to realize is that a quick fix will only hold up for a short time and before long she’ll be back asking for more tips, even more wounded and disillusioned by her love life.
One of the most critical parts of this article is when you said a woman must stop considering only what she wants/needs and feels, and take time time to understand the differences compared to what a man needs. This relates directly to this insecurity that drives woman to look for a one time miracle solution.
Doing the work on yourself is rewarding beyond measure, and it works faster than people realize. There is no feeling that compares with no longer worrying constantly about your relationship and simply knowing it is working, without a ton of heartache attached to it.
Like the advice but now I feel the connection I thought I may have had has gone from me towards the 2 year boyfriend ( we live apart & I have 1 child still at home with me). Its fine he can have his past times of long fishing trips & he likes to control the pace of the relationship. My problem is that now I do not care enough about a relationship with him anymore, so does any one else have this problem?
Thank you Jade, I appreciate that.
In terms of marketing, I was someone who loved helping people with their relationships years before I ever charged a penny for it. So I appreciate that you like that I’m original and authentic in my work because the marketplace is filled with people who just want to sell you stuff (and the stuff they sell is recycled garbage – they don’t care if it helps or not, so long as their buyers don’t refund it en masse.) So thank you for that comment.
As far as sex is concerned, my concise comment on the matter has always been that a woman knows best when to sleep with a guy — it’s her choice and nobody has a place to judge or shame that. At the same time, she would do best to make sure that she’s doing it because she wants to and never, ever from a place of fear (fear that he won’t stick around if she doesn’t, fear of him losing interest if she doesn’t, fear that’s she’s not enough without having sex with him, etc.)
I appreciate the comment and I’m glad to hear that you have a great love life now — the fact that you stick around and still enjoy my articles is the greatest compliment I could receive.
Am agree with u
This is one of the best articles you have ever written Eric, I hate these ad emails that say “HERE’S the secret…click this link, pay $40” I want to see you keep your uniqueness and not become gimmicky. Because this is what women truly need and in turn they will buy your product as I did, because they trust you.
I only really read these now through pleasure, as I did become that woman who learnt how to love a man the way he needs to be loved, and to love myself the way I deserve, and because I enjoy your work.
The only part I disagree with is sex, I would NEVER advocate with holding sex, but I do think a woman should wait until she knows the man well enough to want to be intimate with him. If he is truly interested he WILL wait a reasonable amount of time. If you’re the type of woman who says I have to wait until date 10, he will never take you seriously. I believe strongly in the mystery and clarity that a woman has in the early days. For it is then that she makes better choices about compatibility.
Great, quality article, this is not the typical advice we are seeing thrown around by other experts these days. It comes from the heart and it is sound.
Search A New Mode
Search A New Mode
My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me!
What about when a guy DOESN’T want to sleep with you?
I had been dating a guy I met from an online dating site for a little over a month. We were really good together, had a lot in common, had a blast anytime we were together. The second night he stayed over, he asked if we could sleep together. I was hesitant about it, since before that all we had done was kiss. So he apologized for asking and said he wanted me to: “make him wait.” The next time he stayed over, I said I didn’t want to wait anymore (hey, I’m only human!) but he said he still thought we should wait… He said how most of his relationships had been purely physical, and he didn’t want that for us.
He ended up staying over a couple of more nights, but we never slept together.
As much as I would like to believe he wanted to wait because he really liked me, that theory was thrown out the door when a couple of weeks ago he pulled a 180 and quit returning my calls and texts for 3 days. And then TEXTED me finally to say he wasn’t “ready for a relationship.” But that’s a whole other story…
I can hear your frustration, Melissa, but I gotta tell you: I LOVE receiving role-reversing letters like this.
Women who complain that men are too clingy, men who get upset when women don’t call them after sex, women who make more money than men.
Next on Jerry Springer: Men who don’t want to have sex.
I’m sorry. This isn’t a silly matter at all. What it instantly brought to mind, actually, was a plot line on HBO’s new series “Tell Me You Love Me”. There’s a married couple on the show that hasn’t had sex in a year. You’re an individual who hasn’t slept with a guy in a month.
You didn’t really ask me a question, Melissa, so it’s hard to give an answer. But I will give you my opinion, which, not surprisingly, might challenge yours.
I think you should be thanking him.
I think it would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.
It would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.
Sure, his breakup skills could probably use a bit of polish, but really, this guy acted with total integrity. Unlike every jackass who has ever slept with a woman he had no intention of committing to, this guy refused to do so.
So apart from blowing you off by text message, how has he done anything wrong?
If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?
I dated someone last year for two and a half months before we had sex. Why? Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt her by sleeping with her and bailing. I’m not saying guys like me deserve a medal, but wouldn’t you say that there’s something conscientious about waiting?…
I’ve had a couple of people tell me that this is a patronizing attitude.
“I’m a big girl. I can handle having sex without commitment.”
Other times you think you can and are hurt when it doesn’t work out.
So if a guy recognizes that most early relationships DON’T work out and decides to hold off on sex, he’s being SELFISH?
Doesn’t sound like guys can really win here.
If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?
My guess, Melissa, is that he did like you, he didn’t want to go too fast and potentially lose respect, and then, after a few more dates, concluded that you weren’t a good fit.
As I said, he could have handled the breakup quite a bit better, but I’m not sure how he could have handled the sex part with any more tact.
I dated a man who wouldn’t even kiss me for a couple of months…shortly after he finally hugged and kissed me, he e-mailed me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I still don’t understand why men start relationships when they aren’t ready for one. Not to mention that at the very least, a phone call would have been nice. I was stunned.
Maybe he was dating someone else… Or he was confused about his sexuality(not necessarily gay but he could be asexual). I just don’t understand why date someone you are not attracted to or not sure about for months without telling them you have doubts about the relationship. It’s still stringing someone along and very selfish. Let the person choose if they want to wait around for you to decide whether you like them or not.
I wasn’t saying i was MAD that he didn’t sleep with me, i was just curious as to his actions since it’s usually the other way around with guys. If his intentions were good, more power to him. Unfortunately i guess i will never really know! But i do appreciate your opinion on the situation.
And to Lisa, yes i will never understand that either….breaking up over an email or text message is just a cowardly thing to do.
Okay, I don’t like the text breakup, either (although maybe there’s less drama that way), but really, you have to give the guy points for not taking total advantage of the situation and of you by having sex when he wasn’t really sure if you guys were right together.
I think sometimes we all tend to confuse “dating” with “having a relationship”, too. Maybe dating can lead to a long-term relationship, but until that’s defined, it’s still just dating, whether it’s for a week or a year…
It’s entirely possible that he has some sexual insecurities/ issues that he was too embarrassed to expose to you. That might explain the text message break up as well. He may simply be ashamed.
I wonder if he may have had something else going on: someone else he was dating/ had his eye on that he chose to concentrate on over you? A girlfriend that he was on shaky ground with? Perhaps broke up with then got back together? An STD he didn’t want to tell you about right off the bat?
Texting you that way does seem cowardly. I’m guessing he may have just been “testing the waters” with you. Found for whatever reason, he didn’t want to go further and ended it the way he did by convincing himself that there really wasn’t a relationship there after only a month and no sex. True I suppose, but it is confusing when you really think you’ve hit it off with someone and then they just vanish with little or nothing in the way of explanation nevertheless.
I’d say be glad he flaked out now rather than a few months from now after you may have become more attached. And isn’t it better that he did it before you ever slept together rather than after?
“If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?”
Now there’s a question that seems to totally answer itself. :-0 ;-0 :-0
Bottom line…..he just wasn’t that into you! Be thankful you dodged THAT bullet. Stop wondering what happened…you’ll NEVER get a straight answer – at least from HIM. Just let it go and move on. Be glad it was sooner rather than later. Texting you that he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’…showed you who he was! Done…NEXT! Lol.
Really Kami?! So i guess the fact of holding on sex means nothing?, because in the end, as stated above, with guys, its always a no win situation. You would have appreciated more the fact that he DID have sex, as long as he called to break up, as opposed to texting? Really, what would have been the correct procedure?, just face the fact that he wasn’t into her, he was giving it a chance because probably he thought she was worth it. He didn’t want to take advantage so he played it that way. Not the best to have texted her, but the rest was done just right, he just wasn’t into her!
I don’t think a text message is a considerate way to break up with someone, but the phone can be a lot better than an in person meeting.
If you arrange an in person meeting the person being broken up with might get his/her hopes up all for nothing. The person being broken up with may be extremely hurt by the news, and may not want to be trapped with the person who has just hurt him or her. Making someone else drive to you, and then breaking up with him/her, is highly selfish and even dangerous.
I think he wanted to hurt you. The first time you rejected him he was hurt and said he wanted to wait then pulled the waiting game till you wanted him then rejected you just to get you back. Just my thoughts.
I had a guy like that who made every excuse. I have never before had any trouble in that department and this guy damn near ruined me. he is the reason I don’t date now and might not for years. I am a young pretty widow raising a child alone. I have a great job and good life with wonderful family and friends. He found me. I thought he was trustworthy because my husband and I knew him as a neighbor long ago. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It just seemed that he was interested in finally having what my husband had. In the end? During the 90 days duration of this nightmare, he lied to me, skipped over all the necessary elements for intimacy and meeting any of my needs in the beginning of the relationship, paraded me around like a long haired blond Barbie groping me in public, not hardly touching me in private, got into my son’s life and befriended him, lied to me more and asked me to hang on and keep giving him chances, told me it was a medical problem, told me he would get medical attention, lied to me some more and told me he couldn’t get into the doctor, made plans to do something nice for my son and I and then lied to get out of it and I caught him staying home rather than doing what he said he had to do, just plain bizarre behavior. I cut it off and I want to slap this man hard across the face for playing this game with my child and I. I cut it off after 90 days and he still goes around telling people he just can’t understand why I broke it off and he loves me. I contacted him and he never asked about my son it’s like he is one person in public, another monster in private but way way ‘nice’, never intrusive or outwardly angry. Just emotionally abusive and I smelled it 30 day into the whole deal. I hung on just to see how big of a liar this person really was and I was right. I immediately cut him off from my son when I saw the strangeness begin. So cut clean and leave immediately, things don’t get any better they only get worse. Find someone real to meet your needs.
i have been dating my current boyfriend for 10 months now
he wont have sex with me
i buy condoms i get us alone and naked
so i feel your pain.
Does he insist on marrying you before he has sex with you?
If so, you will have to answer for yourself whether or not you want to marry him.
If he said nothing on that subject, tell him if he does not bone you, someone else will.
To me sex is what differenciates a boyfriend from a friend. Sex drives in people can vary over the years, with situations, with health issues. But if your bf of 10 mos. just won’t have sex with you, he is not what I would call a boyfriend, he is essentially a friend.
Why don’t you end the so-called bf/gf relationship, keep him as just a friend, and open yourself to meeting someone new? You are not married and I don’t see any percentage for you in continuing to beat what would appear to be a dead horse.
i’m pretty sure i either dated the same person or someone exactly like him… the almost identical thing happed to me… it was the most frustrating thing ever… i wonder if it was the same person.
I am in the same situation. I’ve been “seeing” a man that is 48 and he claims he’s not had sex in two years. We kiss a little have slept in the same bed together a few times and nothing!
Im afraid to say anything in case it’s a medical condition. I keep thinking maybe it’s me, maybe I’m not good looking enough or whatever. At least I’m not alone with this problem it seems.
I was sexually assaulted 2 years ago, took me 2 years to get myself back out there. I recently met a wonderful bloke, who told me he had fallen in love with me, could see a future with me.
I was ready to commit my life and body to him. I trusted him whole heartedly. I believed that I was ready to restart my life and let him be part of it.
Then one day, a month after being together, he told me he doesnt want sexual contact with me.
The assault made me feel dirty, cheap and suicidal. His betrayal of- i love u, wanna be with u, but dont wanna be intimate with you has reignited how I felt after the assault.
Sex in a relationship isnt about wham bam thank you, its about sharing ur body, getting closer to somone. All I wanted from him was show me he loved me, feel closer to him.
But I guess i made the fatal mistake of telling him what id been through………..
Well my boyfriend who has lived with me for almost 9 months now has not had sex w/me for 49 days. Oh at first it was all the time, then in January it stopped, said it was all his fault, psychological, etc. I was maybe having it once a month, but now nothing. I am really at my wits end, in fact at times I really don’t like him. He says he loves me but never ever shows it. It looks like I will be dumping him.
wow that sounds awful. but it looks like that relatinship was over a few months ago. i hope you’ve gotten rid of him by now.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and he doesn’t want to have sex with me either. At first I liked it because its hard to find a gay guy who isn’t all about sex. But after 7 months and he still won’t do it with me I am starting to wonder about him….I know he is gay because I have seen him get off to his porn and how he gets grossed out by girls but……I don’t know…I started thinking it was me maybe I just wasn’t hot enough….so I started dieting and exercised everyday….now I exercise twice a day…..and I am in really good shape…..so I don’t know….maybe its because I have a really good paying job and he doesn’t do anything but stay at home….I am starting to think he is depressed.
I know there are many, many, guys that don’t know how to ask for sex, herds of men that don’t know how to seduce a woman. Isn’t that why women call them, “nice guys/good boys?”
…they are not always, gay/depressed…some are uninformed, some have low self esteem/no self respect, that is still not your problem…
i don’t know what the go is maybe you guys can shed some light onto the suitation… I met a guy through a mate and we hit it off instantly. He was affectionate, caring sent me messages took me to work, I always caught him smiling at me, met his family the whole thing. Then out of the blue he acts cold, I can’t get anythign out of him so i speak to his bestmate (they mate who introduced us to each other) and i find out by him that hes not ready for a relationship and doesn’t wnat to hurt my feelings. So i confront him and even then he doesn’t say much, so i make a decesion and i brake up with him. Afterwards he invites me to all these things and even buys me ice-cream. When i see him a week later as he wanted to make me dinner he acts as if we are still going out. Also when i’m with male friends he gets jelous and makes my mates know that he is there. Within a few weeks after we break up he tells me about these girls he has. (like he on a rebound) I needed to get over him so i toldhim i needed time to get my feelings sorted out and to get over him. Hes best mate and i are still friends and so I see him often. Now they live togethere and i have given myself a few months of getting over him but now he won’t even speak to me and last time i saw him when i went to our mutual mates place he was “sleeping” and the whole time woundn’t speak to me and whenever he knows im somewhere he avoids the place… Any insight as to what on earth went on? Thanx.
what about in teenagers? i confronted my boyfriend about not trying to initiate sex or respond when i initiate it.
He said that he wouldnt have sex with me because i rejected him the first time he asked for it, (on the second date). He is a virgin.
Ive asked him if he wants to be friends and he said no.
i think for a teenage boy this is really weird and frustrating. Im ready to lose my V’s now (5 months since then), and he won’t because i didnt want it back then, as if ive lost my opportunity.
is he frigid? and how do i fix it? would viagra actually work?
I have several immediate thoughts about your situation.
#1 This boy is not your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to have sex with you, and he doesn’t want to be friends. So unless you’re using some bizarre definition of the word, he’s not your boyfriend.
#2 You will have thousands of opportunities to lose your virginity. You decided to pass on one opportunity.
#3 Your ex-boyfriend didn’t respect your decision to not have sex on the second date. I wouldn’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t respect my right to say “no”.
#4 He won’t have sex with you because you said “no” to him once. This means he’s carrying a grudge … and a big enough grudge to overlook his sex drive. I wouldn’t have sex with someone who carried a grudge like that, and I certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who carried a grudge like that.
One of the best reasons to avoid having sex with someone on the first few dates is so you can find out whether they respect you (are mature, etc) before you have sex with them. You’ve now discovered two excellent reasons not to have sex with him. Move on to someone else.
#5 If he does have sex with you, he will just be using you for the fun of sex and so he can lose his virginity. Then again, it sounds like you’d be using him for the exact same thing.
#6 Viagra won’t do a thing. Viagra helps men who want to have sex with a woman, but are physically unable to. Your ex-boyfriend does’t want to have sex with you. That’s a big difference.
#7 I don’t think he’s frigid. I think he’s just doesn’t want to have sex with you.
#8 You can’t “fix” him (at least not in the way that you meant it). Think about someone truly dislike. Now think about how they could “fix” you so you would like them. It sounds silly, right? There’s nothing to “fix” with your ex-boyfriend. Move on and find another guy (preferably one that respects you and is a little more mature, but that’s ultimately your decision).
#9 Your situation doesn’t sound “really weird”. Your ex-boyfriend sounds immature, but that’s pretty normal for teenagers.
You can either drive yourself crazy with this situation, or you can let go and walk away. Based on your description, this boy isn’t worth going crazy over.
Virgin, Women spend years and years trying to help, fix, figure out, and change men.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to accept things for what they are. It is what it is. Don’t hang on to this boy because you’re afraid to be alone or find someone else.
Don’t try to fix this problem so that you can feel loved or forgiven for turning him down before.
Have you thought about breaking up with him?
If his reason for not having sex with you is that you turned him down on your second date (if that is even the truth) tells you all you need to know. He’s immature, selfish, and unloving by trying to make you feel guilty and bad for honoring yourself.
Don’t be in a hurry to loose your virginity and choose very carefully who that person will be. This boy isn’t “scarred” because you turned him down. You did what was right for you. Maybe he isn’t for you.
Hmmm interesting comments. I have been going out if you can call it that, with my boyfriend for 5 months. He is well know for being a bit of a lad and i know he has slept with more women that i care to think about . That is everyone except me . I am at the stage now where i dont sleep over at his and when i drop him off after a night out its a case of a peck on the lips and thats it . If i confront him he says he has a lot of problems at the moment (hes out of work, skint, in debt etc) and i understand that but how does that stop him from wanting any intamacy with me. I am starting to feel like the most unattractive person in the world ( Im not by the way). He says he loves me to bits and always wants to spend his time with me, but as far as passion is concerned . Thing is its getting worse cos i have not stopped trying and am too scared to go near him. When we are at his house, we even sit on seerate settees. Someone tell me im not going mad and that this guy is taking the p*** . I am so hurt and confused .
I’m going through the same situation, only we live together. I feel like I’m not good enough, it really is hard to deal with. He certainly had a high sex drive before we got together, over 200 girls in just the year I knew him.
hey i’ve been with my partner for 2 yrs an we only have sex once every 2 or 3 wks, he says he fancies me an finds me attractive but i dnt feel it wen everytime i try he makes excuses an says i always pick the wrong times to want to have it an feel that wen he sleeps with me he feels he just has to…….is he just not that into me or jus has a low sex drive (not sure)…..any suggestions?
“is he just not that into me or just has a low sex drive (not sure)”
Since he has been with you for 2 years, I think he’s into you. But there are are a number of physical and psychological causes for low sex drive.
physical: obesity, alcoholism, some prescribed drugs, etc.
psychological: stress, depression, hang-ups from childhood, serious relationship problems, etc.
When is the last time that your partner saw a doctor?
It could be that he’s very sensitive and did the right thing…could be. But, if he was willing to sleep together initially, it sounds more like he was never intending to have a serious relationship and felt like hooking up. Then decided he might give it more of a chance and realized that he was right to begin with. I think guys sometimes just go out with women to fill a void and if he can have sex with her great, but women usually think that means he likes her and unfortunately, a lot of times he doesn’t.
hi ,well i know what u mean and feel i dont think the guy wanted to have u he is not series?is he? for me i will get bored from him/hhhhhhhhh…?
Melissa’s situation sounded like what I went through. I met this really cool guy before and we went out on a few dates (no sex), and it was great. Then without warning a few weeks later he stopped calling and texting and talking to me. A few months later I found him on facebook and his reply was “oh I’m so sorry, I got scared, and I didn’t really want a serious relationship”. Just bullcrap excuses, basically.
This was 2 years ago and I’m now with a great guy. And the loser? Oh he gained 50 pounds and grew a mullet. Imagine the smile on my face when I saw his new photo.
View More Comments:
About The BLOG
Find out what my blog can do for you, and what type of man becomes a dating coach for women.
Have a Dating Question? Search My Date-A-Base.
If you’re looking to answer your most pressing dating and relationship question, my blog is like Google for your love life!
Just type your one-line question into the search box below to see my answer.
Explore the Blog
Dating or Currently Dating?
Starting Over or Taking a Break?
Currently in a Relationship?
- "Hee! Emily is right. I'm in my mid-forties and I don't date men in their late 50s who don't cross the 59/60 mark. Online or off. They are entitled to their preference and when I see or hear that I…"
S. on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"Emily, That's a great idea! I, and most of the other men I know, have already created exhaustively-detailed physical rankings for the women in our lives, so we already have that part of it all set…"
Tron Swanson on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"@YAG Thanks for your reply. I see two things from your comments. It makes sense to me that you spent twenty years with a woman with that age difference, so sure. You're used to it. "I'm us…"
S. on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"I’m pretty sure lots of women here are already fighting that battle. We've actually surrendered that particular war and are just having fun.…"
Emily, the original on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"It's just a shame. I'm sure there are fine people out there only one year older. But if those people draw that kind of line in the sand, they aren't for the people a year older anyway. And I'm no…"
S. on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"I'm pretty sure lots of women here are already fighting that battle.…"
Evan Marc Katz on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"YAG, I prefer to unwrap my own presents. Why would you want to open something that ancient?…"
Emily, the original on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?"If you find YAG's complaints about women 61 year old women who deign to write to him less deserving of censure than mine that is simply a matter of taste.…"
Kitty on How Many Pics Are Enough for Online Dating?
I also discovered that I could attract a ton of quality men, in no time at all, if I needed to go back out there. It's a relief to know I have options. But really, I'm very, very much in love. THIS is the relationship I want, and I have it!
"Now I feel empowered and I am glad to be free of him, to find the one who will love me without question."
I learned, through reading “Why He Disappeared”, that because of the fact that he did not commit to me, I really didn't want him back. I realized that I needed to find the man who would love me unconditionally for who I am, not for who he wanted me to be.
"I'm getting to know and like men with an entirely new perspective."
I feel more confident and relaxed and I'm not even sure it matters if I meet the one. I have a whole new way to enjoy life and enjoy having men in my life.
"Working with Evan has helped me to really value myself and to be myself when I am dating. This is priceless."
Look, I can say I feel more confident than ever before but it’s more than that. Working with Evan has helped me to really value myself and to be myself when I am dating. This is priceless. It’s not perfect but I have come a thousand miles from where I was and feel so lucky.
"Thank you for what you do, Evan."
Here's the deal. I read your blog - I devour your newsletters. I've learned so much about men (and myself) through the process.Commenting on the news psychological insecurities within dating and relationships sign up. Website for dating.